Something came up a week or so ago that sort of confronted a thing-a-ma-bobby in my doo-hickey. Whew, I had to trivialize that first, I don’t know why, it’s like typing tourettes. And I made it sound physical like naughty bits were involved. I don’t think I’ll name any players. I know, I do that far too often here (Michigan not prosebox, though I can’t help it if they coincide, I mean sure, the state has been around longer, but I wasn’t here and prosebox hadn’t yet been born, and then both kind of happened around the same time more or less). I used to name all the players and all but give out addresses, um, except for me and that had very practical reasons; I’m not a private guy, but from 1984 to 1996 I got death threats almost daily IRL and there’s even still one or two whose sentence isn’t quite up. And IFL(in fake life) I pissed people off on anti-social media sites. But I did used to tell stories that started with “This guy, let’s call him James on account of that being his name, was up to such vile douche-baggery …”
So, I’ll approach the subject academically. I’m sure it’s been broached better by real scholars, it sounds like the sort of thing you average famous nihilist would say. I realize I haven’t said anything yet, but, a quick tangent — people get interested in nihilists like, say, Nietzsche and try and fit that into their understanding of the world. I’m talking about teenagers with eyeliner and a feeling that they are the only disenfranchised person in the world and are afraid without the accruements like, say, eye liner and a paperback copy of Thus Spake Zarathusa (forgive my spelling, I could look it up, but that’d be pretentious, last time I read it I was also reading Even Cowgirls Get the blues and going through puberty). I don’t mean to disparage, seriously, I’m suggesting philosophy is toothless if you haven’t been bitten. Huh, well, that wasn’t the magic I was hoping for, but, fuck it, it’s the tangent and it’s what I mean just not as articulate as I meant it.
Ok, two paragraphs of nonsense. Hmmm, now to make things general instead of personal. There’s a lot of politeness and let’s say codes of conduct around here. You are either a solid citizen or sketchy and it takes a lot of work, apparently, to be either. Portland would never be the yardstick against with casual or cool citizenship would be measured, but you understand immediately or never. Here the difference is a lot more black or white but … god, hard to do this without personal context.
Here it is, the concept, the one that some famous nihilist probably wrote only with less of a wacky intro and more words to the concept; You can’t work for order without having seen chaos. The order doesn’t even make sense unless you’ve actively been in the chaos. It’s a frustrated parents answer to the question why; Because I said so. The context of the community is a poor one here, it’s as though I’m saying there are only sheep and wolves living here, and that’s very far from the truth. I accept that when there are sheep and wolves I’m going to be drawn in. I’ll rephrase that; it would be wise for both the sheep and wolves to draw me in. I breathe in chaos and sculpt if not order at least the model that can frame the argument.
I’m not an uncommon beast, however, in this area I think my type was hunted to extinction. Christ, the less cryptic I try to be, the more clever the short cut I try to take the deeper I paint the hole in the corner. Ok, I did that one on purpose. I think this needs to marinate. I really had good intentions when I sat down to it.
I haven’t a clue what I was talking about. Here is a song
EDIT
I just thought of a simpler way of cleaning this one up. I don’t go to a happy place when I’m down, confused or what might pass as afraid. I mean I know how to, I could do the voice for those relaxation/hypnosis tapes, it’s just not my process.
I have to go into the center of the mess, I have to trudge through the maelstrom, I have to walk in the valley of the shadow of death. Hmmm, no, that’s too much the other way. What I have to do is maintain a balance.
I suck at polly-anna and I suck at shoe gazing introspection, I’m pretty fucking A good at moral dilemmas, but, you know I don’t run into many of those these days, but it’s the process that is most comfortable for my head.
It’s not going from scab picking to skipping through the tulips but if it were that simple I’d have to also skip through the scabs and pick the tulips. Balance isn’t a band aid; it’s all got to be accounted for.
Yes, I’m still leaving out the events and people or peoples particulars in this, except mine. When I’m troubled I chase that fucking weasel all around the mulberry bush, pop him, and then give to a tax deductible weasel charity. Ok, that was just supposed to be funny, but the principle is the same; I can’t just say, huh, monkey chasing weasel that’s bad and what’s up with the mulberry.
Or, you know, just walk away. I still need at least one circuit around the mulberry bush before deciding that walking away is the better part of valor. I mean in the end I want to do the thing with the least amount of non-valor to it. In real moral dilemmas that’s a very solid distinction. I’ve never been in a real life moral dilemma that had a clean exit, if it did it wouldn’t be a delimma. I don’t even think of seeing a old lady dropping a twenty and you deciding to run her down to return it or not a delimma, not a moral one. Morally it’s pretty clear, but also petty. Even at my most pious giving the benefit of the doubt to the existence of god do I believe there’s a divine rap sheet.
No, a moral dilemma is going to keep you awake nights whichever way you go, it’s the lesser of two evils and actively participating in which of them evils is lesser.
I got sidetracked. I’m not talking about moral delimmas, just my process. I have to go through the chaos to see the light. I can’t weigh the Kidney of Lightness without going through the heart of darkness. It’s not a big deal, it’s not a way I’d recommend, it’s at odds with the way most people do things, it’s the scenic route. If I were advising a loved one, and I do, if you can see the good without scaling the bad do it that way; if right and wrong are your concerns you already know the answer. For me it’s never right and wrong, I know them too, it’s parity, justice, that in the end the scales balance. It’s how I keep my own balance.
That’s what it really means, that saying that justice is blind, it’s not meant to punitive nor is meant to reward, it’s meant to balance to bring parity, wholeness to those who need be made whole.
I realize this is still cryptic, especially why am I typing it, or at the very least, why am I typing it now. Um, because I didn’t earlier and now I don’t have to later? Um, because I’m writing daily to focus my mind on … things. Things and Stuff that do things and stuff. Like nouns and verbs.
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