I avoided talking with SexyPants the other night after I asked him if he wanted to discuss The Ring. When he called I was actually on the phone discussing my options with the Bulldog.
I asked the BD what he thought so that I could get a man’s opinion, but I guess there was an ulterior motive as well. I want him to know that there are other things out there for me. I’m sure I made him uncomfortable with Ring Talk, but I kind of want it that way. I mean, if he’s going to be vague with me, then I can ask whatever I want to ask, right? And I can talk about whatever I want to talk about. I don’t see no ring on this finger. Ha!
So yesterday morning on the way to work I talked with SP about what to do about the ring. I told him that I’d been thinking about the ring lately but I hadn’t really come to any conclusions. Bottom line is, he wasn’t asking for the ring back. He left it completely up to me. He didn’t make me feel at all guilty or weird about it. I can pretty much do anything I want with it.
So, I’m still contemplating. It’s not that I have to do anything with it right now. I just thought that I might have to. Now I’ve got a bit of time to figure it out. Perhaps I’ll just throw it in the ocean someday. Ha.
THEN, SP called me last evening as I was parking my car after coming home from work. I thought that maybe he’d changed his mind about the ring or something and he wanted to ask me about it.
He started out with, “I want to ask you a question, and it’s going to be a tough question and I need you to be honest with me.”
Okaaaayyyy. Look. I’m the one who’s always been honest with you - and it wasn’t really reciprocated!
One of the reasons we’d broken up in the first place is that I’d found some funny business on his Facebook page and eventually hacked into his FB email only to find that while he was on business trips, he was out hooking up with other women.
One in particular was in China and he’d had an affair with her years earlier and they’d kept in touch. Of course, while he was on a business trip in China, he’d made plans to see her and I found all of the communication. I was devastated, and I also had ammunition to potentially break up her marriage if I wanted to.
ANYWAY, apparently she’d sent him a nasty gram on FB yesterday, basically telling him what a fucker he was/is and SP actually called me to see if I’d ever been in touch with her OR her husband!
Look, I wanted to, I really did. But I didn’t want to give anyone the satisfaction of me going berserk about the whole thing. Besides, what would be the point? It behooved me to keep my composure on the outside. Of course, I was falling apart on the inside, but nobody (besides my journal audience) needed to know this.
I told SP no, I’d never been in touch with either one of them, his ex-lover or her husband. And he told me that he wanted to close down his FB page once and for all.
But then…how would he Tinder??
Anyway. Moving on.
I saw the Bulldog last night. I went with him to eat some dinner (I’d already snacked on left over party food so I wasn’t hungry). Then he came over to watch some Anthony Bourdain and I’m sure to see if I’d initiate sex, which I did. He also spent the night, which is rare on a school night because I get up so early.
Of course, I overslept. Not so much as to make me late, but so much as to have to skip my workout. Drat.
I am just about ready to lay out my wants/needs in a partner (or perhaps without!) based on what I’m thinking right now. Perhaps this is an unrealistic list, but I honestly don’t think this is too much to ask.
I mean, it’s pretty elementary stuff like, oh…AFFECTION. I’m not asking for PDA. I would just like the occasional hand-holding (privately is fine!) or even an arm around the shoulder. Hugs, pecks, whatever. Show me that you like me!
Of course, I could say the same thing about me. I’ve never been in a situation where I’ve needed to be the one to initiate affection. It’s always just happened to me. And I reciprocate. Is this not the norm? Am I weird for wanting to take a man’s lead?
I’m 47 years old and have never encountered a man who has clearly wanted me to make the moves before. I’m becoming more comfortable with the idea of it, but it’s still so awkward for me.
OK. Need to work. Lots of bullshit going on today!
Love and affectionate kisses!
GS
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