I have an Aunt who is four years my senior. She’s more like my sister than my Aunt. We’ve been partners in crime since childhood.
She called me yesterday and said “I’ve been diagnosed with Breast Cancer with Mets. I’m dying”. I held it together for a bit, asked the right questions, and then lost it completely.
She & I both know what’s coming. She’s an RN, I have a vast medical background. She’s been my sounding board since Gary got sick, because she’s always been the only one I could talk truth to about the realities beside Amy. And even Amy & I lack the expertise of an RN, and one who worked ICU for years and years, at that.
I’m broken in places I didn’t even know I had that could break. Trying to imagine my life without Donna is akin to imagining it without either of my children. I’ve been weeping on and off since I hung the phone up from her call. I know I have to reign that in. She’s going to need my strength, not my tears. It’s going to take me a few days, but I can do it.
All the memories… She and I torturing Gary as kids. We’d get him down on the ground, and one would tickle him while the other one put grass in his mouth..... we tied him to a tree and left him there…My grandmother made us go back to get him, of course. Man, you’ve never seen two little girls run so fast once the knot was loosened!!!! Aqua Velva, Windsong, and ultimately, Estee Lauder. That’s my Donna.
Baloney sandwiches on Milk crackers. Mohair sweaters, Madras Bermuda Shorts…sneaking a cigarette. I wanted to BE Donna when I was a kid. Smart, beautiful, adventurous.
I can imagine BEING here without her.
I know I have to come to terms with what IS. I have no other choice. But this one is as big for me, as losing my mother will be. The grief is so deep, and so sharp that right now, I have no defense against it.
My mother does not know about this yet. That will come tomorrow. I’m dreading it.
Pray for us, please. That Donna’s journey through this dark place is swift, and as pain free as possible. And pray for me, that I can find the strength I’m going to need.
I love you.
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