Let 12 November 2013 be marked as the day where I have officially given up. Yup, I've given up on meeting that Mr Right. It seems to me that all the gentlemen have been taken (ladies, if you are married to one, appreciate what you have!) and all that are left are men who can only think with their dick, instead of their brain. I don't want to feel or get bitter, I just need to work on lowering my expectations. Still, there is that small glimmer of hope that maybe someday, a guy would come and prove me wrong. If that happens, great, if not, then that's okay too, but no longer will I be on the lookout for someone who could be a potential husband or boyfriend. If it's destined that I must grow old alone, then so be it. I need to find the strength then to make peace with it and find my inner happiness. I know a couple of older ladies who never married, and even though I'm sure they sometimes feel lonely, they are happy and have fun in life - and I can do that too.
The Decision was harder than I thought though. It feels like someone/something has died... and I guess something did. That fantasy since being a little girl of looking (and feeling!) like a princess on my special day. Window shopping through jewelry store windows looking at rings and wondering what my engagement and wedding ring will look like someday. Looking forward to having someone special in my life to shower with love, to spoil and to welcome home at the end of what could've been a bad day, and knowing I'm the one he wants to see and who can cheer him up. Sharing good and happy moments with someone. The fantasy of having someone in my life who I know will accept me with my good and bad qualities - for who I am. Someone who I can count on to be there in tough times. My shining knight who will fight for my honour and protect me...
All of that gone. Up in smoke. Killing off a dream hurts...
This is probably the normal grieving process, and I will allow myself to work through it. If I can manage that, I will come out stronger the other side and eventually learn to be happy and fulfilled on my own. It is possible, I've seen it. Just yesterday though I saw a little video on a website of an old guy and lady holding hands and kissing, and I wished that that could've been me someday...
Today is pity party day. I'm still feeling utterly crap. I made The Decision in order to emerge stronger on the other side and learn to find inner happiness, and to make peace with the fact that I might never find love. Who needs a man anyway. However, all that's been happening so far is that I've been spiraling into this black hole with feelings of "I'm Life's reject", "I'm pathetic", "No one could love me", etc etc The worst one is the feeling that I don't fit in this world, and frankly, I can't understand why I still need to be here. It feels to me that for a quiet introvert who doesn't like drinking and the party scene, who would rather enjoy doing something fun at home, or go see a movie or a show in a theatre... that is seen as 'abnormal'. I also don't look like something straight out of Baywatch and I believe that only when I'm married will I give my virginity to someone. That is seen as 'prude' or 'boring'. All I ever wanted before giving up was a gentleman who would love me for who I am, but no, they just so happen to be extinct. Lucky me. I also don't see why I should change to fit in, or lower my standards for anyone.
I don't know what to do. Stupid feelings - I wish I could switch them off! The only thing I feel I can do right now is to write here to get it out of my system instead of botteling up and then somehow work through this bit by bit. This is not healthy! This weekend I'm gonna try and do things that are fun for me in order to try and cheer myself up. And gosh, no people. So far whenever I try to talk to someone about this I feel worse afterwards.
It's raining tonight with a bit of thunder :) I love falling asleep to the sound of rainfall... so soothing. And now I'm going to do just that.
Goodnight...
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