I used to have an Open Diary account, in which I almost stopped writing. But when something happens in life that leaves you completely lonely, you need something. So here is my something.
Three weeks ago exactly I was sitting sipping tea on my sofa, my new future jumping and fluttering around my heart and I didn’t yet know that in a few hours my future would change to something different than planned.
I was 11 and half weeks pregnant. Finally something good. After these few years of bad news and crying almost every day. This was my silver lining.
I had a missed miscarriage. My baby was dead inside me for almost 4 weeks and I didn’t know. Except I did. The pregnancy symptoms stopped, no more sickness, sore breasts, cravings. All gone. And I worried, telling my husband who told me to enjoy not feeling so sick any more. Then the pinprick drop of blood.
Of course it was the weekend and there were no doctors available for a scan, so I waited two days, praying, hoping, crying and all the while knowing.
The scan was quick.
The screen turned half away but still perfectly visible. The baby looked tiny. I could see the nurse doing many measurements, I was already crying. No heartbeat. The end.
We walked home…
My husband asked me when I planned on going back to work.
I waited a week for something to happen, for me to start losing it. I never started. My body didn’t want to give up my baby. It was barbaric to me. Sending me home like that, to live with something like this. How are you meant to just carry on when something like this happens?
After a week of nothing I chose to have a D&C. I waited in the hospital for 6 hours before they took me up.
I lay on the hospital trolley and watched the surgeon yawn.
I woke up empty.
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