I had an opendiary for 10 years. And when the site closed, I lost everything. I started writing in it when I was starting high school. I’m a bit devastated, to say the least.
But I’ve done a lot of growing up during those 10 years and I am honestly proud. I went through an amazing 3 year relationship (ages 19-22) that unfortunately ended VERY badly. I learned a lot about myself and other people during the break up. I realized I can really only depend on myself. And that I when getting into another relationship that I cant completely give myself to that person because then whats left for me? I completely surrendered myself to her and in the mix, lost myself. But here I am, a year and some months later and I have found myself. I no longer put up with bullshit and drama and know how to get rid of people who dont better me or add to my life. I feel callus at times, but its what I have to do. “Take care of number 1” my dad always tells me. Something I will live by for FOREVER. Its advice I have passed to my friends and now its become something all my friends are starting to live by too. And that makes me proud.
But part of taking care of number 1 means maybe I have to cut people out of my life that I dont necessarily want to. I am honestly scared that will happen very soon. Erin is my best friend, my ride or die, my bae, my everything. But if she keeps this shit up with Zoey I am done. Seriously. I cant handle it. Zoey isnt even in my life anymore yet she is ruining it. She has turned all my friends against me (for no reason), constantly lies about me and talks shit. She started to get to Erin too. Erin is like me and can see through bullshit and this was her “last chance”. So we’ll see. I HATE ultimatums, but if Erin honestly takes Zoey back as a friend then I am done. Its seriously me or Zoey. Zoey is an evil liar who will say anything to slander someone elses name and make herself look better. And shes great at it. She thinks I have a “lock” on people. Ha! Thats a damn lie. If anyone has a lock on people its Zoey. Feeding them lies and bullshit. Shes just insecure and jealous. I hate saying that… jealous… but its so true. My mamma thinks so too. She said it and I told her I feel weird saying that because it makes me seem all pompous and self centered and my mamma says “You didnt say it… I did. Because its true”. I love my mamma more than anything. Shes always there to listen to my shit and give me advice. And I take it. Because in the end I know she is ALWAYS right. That took me a long time to learn and understand. But I am so glad I finally realized. In the end it made me stronger.
All mammas rock. I used to take my mamma for granted but never again, dude. She seriously is always there for me and loves me unconditionally. It IS an interesting relationship though. Shes involved in my life, but from afar. I guess thats good because I like my space and privacy and she doesnt suffocate me… at all. Sometimes I feel like she is too far, but my family dynamic is pretty weird. We all kind of do our own things. And we always have been that way. My mamma hangs out in the kitchen a lot and watches tv and reads magazines. My dad is always watching tv and now that her discovered he can watch anything online he sits in his recliner watching Netflix or Youtube. And Danny has always been like me… likes to stay in his room and do his own thing. Its strange moving back home after being on your own for a while. I actually hate it. I cant wait to move back out. Hopefully in July. Fingers crossed. It’ll be me, Marissa and Steven. And I’m okay with that. I am working again and saving money.
I do have a bad problem with money though. And I can finally admit that. I’ve always known I just kind of pushed it aside. Money burns a hole in my pocket. Like big time. I can spend $500 in 2 days if I could. I think to help that problem I am going to start leaving my debit card at home. Because I NEED to save. I NEED to move out again. Its a sense of freedom I miss. I have 100% freedom living back at home but it still feels different.
I am hopefully going to have a low key day today. Its my day off before I have some boogie ass bullshit shifts. So I need to mentally prepare myself.
So here I go… spending my day to listening to Drakes new album and sipping coffee.
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