I was never very good at keeping up over at OD. So much so, that I was actually shocked to find that it had completely shut down. In any case, a lot has been happening in my life lately, and I have to write it down somewhere. So, I guess here is as good as anywhere.
My mom was diagnosed with Stage IV Lung Cancer in both lungs, metastasized to her brain and adrenal gland. This all started on November 9th, 2014.
I’ll just let that sink in.
It started slowly, innocently almost, and now my whole life is being turned upside down in a way that I really do not like. She was fine, honestly. Mostly took a lot of naps, but no pain, no cough that wouldn’t go away, nothing weird.
Until, one day, she coughed up blood. And she went to the doctor. And they gave her a chest x-ray. And it’s showing a couple of masses but they don’t know what it is. And she tells you on the phone she wants to talk to you in person and you think it’s about you and your boyfriend fighting. And really it’s that she wants to tell you this and says it’s probably nothing. And then she goes to a specialist and they do a biopsy and it’s Cancer. And then she has a CT scan to look at the rest of her body, and an MRI to look at her brain. And it’s in her brain, 28 spots of varying size, and it’s in her adrenal gland. And they have to get the brain spots under control with Radiation. And so they radiate her brain. And you go to see her and it’s like she’s a toddler and so much is happening and everything is completely out of your control.
And everything is out of your control.
So she does two weeks of radiation directly to her entire brain. And then there are complications with the levels of her blood and it’s not safe to move forward with chemo. A couple hospital stays, some transfusions, drugs. So many drugs. I am apalled at all the drugs. She starts chemo. She’s weak, she’s tired, she’s not herself. She can’t eat, she’s not steady on her feet. She’s on at least 20 different drugs, one for this and one for that, and they’re all counteracting and complementing each other at the same time. I get there this weekend and she’s in a total drug haze. She slurs her words and fades in and out. And she keeps clutching that stupid fucking vaporizing e-cigarette and it’s all I can, it’s everything inside of me, not to knock it out of her hand and scream in her face about it. Yes, I’m angry. This is the life choice she made, and I don’t know why I was honestly surprised about lung cancer after she was a minimum pack-a-day smoker for 25+ years, in addition to all the drugs she did for all the years she did them.
I don’t want to blame her for being sick. It is what it is, we’re here now, this is life. But god damn. I am so, so angry, and I just have to say that. I have to get that out. I feel selfish and awful for even thinking it. I don’t know if anyone will read this, but don’t think I’m a terrible person for feeling this way, please.
She has to go through 6 more rounds of this, for a “quality of life” that I can’t quite see. I’m not sure what they mean by that. And my own research has led to an incredibly low survival rate. Basically, she is fucked. 6 months to 1 year. And of course there’s the cheerful, hopeful, “But everyone’s different!”
And she told her doctor she didn’t want to live life in those terms, inside of numbers and prognosis or constraints about getting things done. So that’s just what the internet says.
I’ve observed that as more crap happens to me in life, I start to understand other people a lot better. People talking about losing a grandparent. Then I lose mine and I get it now. People mention a pet passing, and I never understood it. I have two dogs now, and holy shit. If they died? I’d be absolutely CRUSHED. I GET IT now.
“My (insert person here, mother, sister, brother, friend, aunt etc) has cancer.”
I used to give the standard “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that”, but then continue with my day. Now? It consumes me. This is hands down the most awful way to watch someone die. Now think about it as your mother. And replay in your head all the times you stopped talking and how you were a snotty teenager and how terrible you were. And think about the life she’s lived and what she did and didn’t do for herself and the choices she made to arrive to where she is today. Tell me you can sleep at night after news like that.
I haven’t been sleeping. I got a new job in September, and I feel like somebody scooped out my brain. I’ve generally been an in-control, detail-oriented, on top of it type of person. I’m forgetful, I have LOST things, I have been unable to concentrate. I feel like a ghost of a person, and I don’t know if I’ll ever come back.
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