There should be a word for the relationships we have with people, all in our own heads.
I see a guy when out running errands and my mind drifts away. It isn’t him I think about, exactly - I don’t know him, not really. I’m filling his shape with some constructed personality and imagining the life we have together.
I’m seeing the first time we kiss, and the long moment that leads up to it, sitting close together, eyes closed, neither one of us wanting to be the first to bridge the gap between us. The heavy anticipation, dry lips and beating heart, and how it all melts away when lips find lips.
The grey mornings in cold rooms, warm together under the covers. Half asleep, we find each other and pull each other close, pressing together for more than warmth. We drift in and out of sleep, always right there with each other, until the day intrudes.
That vacation we take to a small cabin on a big mountain. It rains the entire time, but spoils nothing - we spend the time inside, curled by the fire together, or on the front porch enjoying the spectacular view.
So many moments, so much love, none of it real. The guy in my head isn’t real, what we have isn’t real, and yet the feelings aren’t entirely imaginary. It might just be daydreams, but I still feel a connection to this impossible guy.
And it helps.
Maybe it shouldn’t, maybe it doesn’t make sense, but it does help me to be a little less lonely. So that’s something.
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