Of a book really. Who would have thought what happened today. In the morning at work I noticed that again that fight with Kevin in Nepal back in February, for God's sake, came up again in my mind, and it completely occupied me again. I felt anger stuck inside me, hurt, sadness, pain. Again. It seemed to me that this was really something that would come back again and again as long as I wouldn't express it to Kevin.
Suddenly I made a decision I had not seen coming at all. Even though I had already agreed with myself NOT to bring it up again, as it was so long ago already, and I had sort of lived through the whole pain so much already, and Kevin and I were doing great lately and I didn't wanna mess that up - despite that agreement with myself, I suddenly noticed I had decided that I was open to telling him about it.
So after wandering around downstairs for a while nervously, I went up the stairs and came to him with that serious face that I have when I am feeling terrible. It shocked him, I could see the shock in his face, of seeing my face.
Anyway, so I told him. I really told him everything basically. And he, by some miracle!! received my words without resistance. He said the right things. He acknowledged his shortcomings. He acknowledged his response was wrong or not enough, not what I needed in that moment. He explained himself again, which was fine even though I already knew the context, but he also really acknowledged that how he responded was... not enough for me in that moment.
I really feel that this is all I needed here. What more can I want? This was really all I needed to be able to close it off. So, with this conversation, this chapter or book by now one might say is FINALLY over. I can FINALLY close this chapter of suffering, this zen practice, and move on.
I already feel lighter. But, I also feel emotionally exhausted.
Furthermore it was a fine Tuesday. My workday was fine, in the morning I had some nice conversation with my colleagues W and E about spirituality. She was really into the ego and he was really into synchronicity and symbolism. And breathwork and bodywork.
In the evening Kevin and I took our walk and we had chocolate snacks from AH. We had a great time together, as if we had never had a fight in our lives. Late at night we had our little party in the bed, and he held my hand quite a while which he never does. So I feel like this conversation we had brought us closer together.
What a miracle. I thought it would become a huge fight. But it didn't. It was a healing conversation for me.
I have to sleep now, gotta get up in little over seven hours. Gnight!
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