I waited until lunch time to broach the subject of rent. He made us cheeseburgers for lunch. While he cooked, I sat here, centering myself. Praying for discernment, and the right words for the optimal outcome.
We sat down and in a very gentle tone, I said, “So I just want to ask, what is the situation with the rent? I just want to talk about it without defensiveness.” I could feel the immediate panic rising in him. I put my hand on his arm and said, “We’re just talking. It’s just information.” He began shaking and his voice rose. “I don’t know. I don’t have any idea.” I almost whispered, “Honey, it is the 3rd. Bank is closed until Monday. Rent is going to be late.” The shaking increased. Like so dramatically that I was not even sure what to do or think. I sat there, holding space for him while he descended into a full blown panic attack. “I guess I’ll have to call my mom.” I responded with as much grace as I could handle, “This could have maybe been avoided if you had communicated with me. There are resources. This is what I mean when I say we need to talk more about stuff like this.”
“I know I am a fuck up.” He said. I tried to reassure him. I said, “We are a team. And no one is calling you that accept yourself.” “I know. I just can’t do anything right.”
I did not know what to say, because I was so afraid of saying the wrong thing. He said, “Eat your burger while it is warm.” He put an episode of Jeopardy on, and I thought it best to just eat and zone out to avoid any conflict.
After Jeopardy was over, I got up to go back to working on reselling stuff. He said, in a sheepish tone, “There’s two more episodes.” I replied, “No thanks. Maybe later. I gotta get back to it.” “Okay. Just have to watch it before Monday.” he said. I replied, “I think I am going to make this a working weekend. But I am sure we’ll get to it.” I kept my tone even.
There is a lot I want to say. But it will not be received well right now. I know the job market sucks so hard right now. If I could work outside the house, I most certainly would. I have been “working” since I was eleven. Fully legally employed with a work permit at fifteen and a half. This is the longest period I have been unemployed outside the house. I feel guilt. I want to be a contributing member of society, but I am not sure what that looks like anymore.
I am having a super hard time understanding his perspective because he has not really given me access to that info. The firm he was working for previously only keeps you on when there are projects. There are currently no projects coming through that require design and fabrication of animatronic movie characters, and superhero costumes and accessories. He went to his alma mater and spoke to the dean about maybe teaching 3D modeling there. Have not heard back.
He just heard back from a prior client, who was reporting back that they were very satisfied with this work, and want to hire him to make a Christmas ornament of the piece he designed. They will contact soon with more details.
I was sitting here earlier trying to accomplish tasks that needed to be completed today, but at every turn, a bump in the road. It was happening like dominoes falling. Things malfunctioning. Error messages. Accidental terms of service violations. Had to refund the 85 dollar sale. I finally loudly said, “ALEXA! IS MERCURY IN RETROGRADE???” And Alexa (who is a young dude voice) said , “Yup! Mercury IS in retrograde. It began on June 29th and goes through July 23rd.” I said, “MOTHERFUCKER!!!” And he replied, “I understand your frustration.”
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