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I’m so mentally exhausted by all these years of internet whittling
away on my ability to manage my thoughts and feelings. Of course I
know what antidotes there are. Touch grass and all that. But still.
I
just read a comment section that was pretty conventional. The
cynicism and emotions running wild in there shifted my mood
instantly. I got so caught up I was about to engage. I rarely do that
anymore. I can count on one hand how often I’ve engaged with
strangers online the last ten years.
But after writing and
rewriting I finally turned to write this instead. There’s nothing
constructive in me engaging on that level in that kind of forum.
People don’t give each other grace. Not saying I’m any better.
I just feel this dystopian loneliness online. It’s getting harder and harder to read people. I take people seriously only to realize, later on, that they were not coming from a place of good faith or that they’re literally a kid without sufficient experience to be taken serious in the particular context etc.
Over time so many thoughts and feelings have accumulated within me. But there isn’t time or energy to put them into words. And there’s no way of knowing where to place them outside of myself if I’d try. Well, this is a place as good as any I guess.
The summer heat is playing a part in how I’m coping today.
I feel like I’m
unable to recognize where my tribe is. Who they are, how they
manifest. Words on a screen just doesn’t paint the picture for me.
Sometimes it’s because I’m naive.
41 years old and I
feel like I’m losing footholds where human connection could form. I
branched off from others when I chose not to build a family or a
career. It’s a path that alienates and it feels harder and harder
to see myself reflected in others and be understood beyond surface
level.
I find my refuge in music. That’s where I regain a sense of connection. That’s where emotions get their high definition recognition.
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