Full Moon in Cancer in These Foolish Things

“If there are gaps between your true feelings, and the pressure to repress or hide them, the dam breaks at the Full Moon. This can be a shocking experience, but also lead to more emotional authenticity.
“A time for great growth in relationships, with raw truths exposed and integrated. And relief as a new ground settles that feels truer, without needing to pretend to feel something you don’t, or bottle things up.”

Full moon in Cancer had me all messed up yesterday and today. I guess tonight is really when the event happens, but I got a head start by getting all emotional with the Bulldog.

Ugh. Why did I do that? Why haven’t I been able to have a reasonable and more rational conversation with him? Instead I waited until I was fed up and upset and I went to bed with him while I was angry and bitchy.

Bottom line is this: we have what is considered a casual relationship in that we haven’t discussed being exclusive. I believe this is for a couple of reasons:

1. I’m not sure that he is a good match for me
2. He doesn’t want exclusivity, nor do I really, because, see #1.

But the problem is that I want him to want an exclusive relationship, because ego.

My ego screws with me every, single time.

I couldn’t sleep at all last night. I had spent the day with him, and we had a pretty great time – we went looking for a new apartment for him and then we went to this super cool food truck place (it’s not new, but I’d never been there before, and it’s pet friendly, so Martini could go with us) had some beers, had a great time…it’s just that I think we ran out of steam in the evening, and though I knew I’d be spending the night, we took a nice long walk, we did some cooking, had dinner, some wine, watched TV, but I turned into a baby I guess, I got weird because…well, for a few things –

• He kind of ignored me at the end of the evening. Looking back, I realize that I was being insecure while he spent some time working and doing his own thing (not sure now why that upset me).

• He is weirdly NOT affectionate with me at all unless we are having sex, and then he’s totally affectionate. It’s weird to me – kinda like a split-personality relationship. For example, when he picks me up at my place, he says a short hello to me, then kisses all over my dog, but won’t even make eye contact with me. Is that weird? Also, we do so many cool things together, but he very rarely does anything affectionate, like even a touch on the arm. I guess I don’t do it either, but from the start, this “thing” has been so weird (see: our very early days when he’d shake my hand [!!] at the end of an evening).

• He’s actually asked me why I don’t simply attack him and fuck his brains out (not the exact words, but close), but see, every time I try to get affectionate with him, he’s not receptive – at all. It’s SO confusing and quite humiliating, to be honest.

So I’ve been letting all of that stuff stew and it spewed last night as we crawled into bed. Neither one of us could sleep very well, so we got up and talked at around 4:30, then had sex and finally fell asleep.

Had breakfast at around noon and then he dropped me off, but it was a sweet drop off…kinda like back to the way things were.

Which is still confusing, so there.

Thanks a lot, full moon. Nothing’s really sorted out yet, but the dam sure broke.