Earlier in the week, I was nearly attacked by a pair of raccoons who happened to be congregating in the west side parking lot at the office. Maybe I timed it poorly, but I arrived at the office at my usual 4:40am. I can assume that the local raccoons were making their rounds, I guess. I got out of the car, grabbed my backpack, and made my way to the door, as I do every morning. Two raccoons came out of the foliage near the front door. Startled, I'm going to assume. They didn't see me. I didn't see them. As I grab my badge and look to scan into the building, I reflexively turned around and happened to see both raccoons staring me. Glaring at me. Staring way too hard, like I was edible. I walked into the building and didn't think much of those damn trash pandas.
Then wouldn't you know it. Once I reach my desk, I reach into my pant pockets, all four of them, and it then occurs to me...
I left my damn phone in the car.
I RARELY ever leave my phone in the car like that. There's a chance that I might have been distracted and I just forgot my phone. Regardless, a small part of me was reluctant to go back outside. I didn't want to be attacked by a pair of raccoons, whether they were hungry or not.
I make my way back to the door that i had just walked through and I open it. Apparently, one of these raccoons was right next to the door because I heard a thud when I opened that door. I think I startled it because as is the case with many of my coworkers, that raccoon had this dumb, dazed look in its eyes. His buddy was a few feet behind him. If I could have ripped the door off its hinges, I would have belted both of these raccoons with said door.
As I confidently strolled to my car, the two raccoons were still staring at me and looking at me very intently, as if they wanted to rush me. I could hear the click clack of their long ass nails/claws tapping on the asphalt as they seemed to circle me as I walked. I then decided that I would remove my lanyard from around my neck, complete with badge still attached, and start swinging it around. I knew that my badge on a swinging lanyard would not do any damage to anything that wasn't wet toilet paper, but in my head, the movement and spinning of the lanyard would have kept the raccoons at bay or at least make them think twice before stepping to me.
In the end, nothing happened. Maybe I was being dramatic?
I opened the passenger door, grabbed my phone from the passenger seat, stared back at those damn raccoons, and made my back into the office.
We went out separate ways after that. I went back into the office and got to work, which is what I do at that hour. The pair of raccoons continued to starve. I don't know. They looked hungry.
Now, not only do I need to be mindful of the local bums that like to frequent the area around the office, but now I have to also remember that there are at least two raccoons in the vicinity who are rabid, hungry, and apparently very willing to throw down.
I thought about it later in the morning.
If it came down to it, I would have been more than willing to kick either of those two raccoons, if not both. I'm thinking that adrenaline would have given me some good power and distance behind any kick I might have unleashed on those damn raccoons.
We might be in the midst of FIFA World Cup season (and I can't stand soccer), but I am not above kicking the shit out of a raccoon or anything else that isn't a soccer ball.
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