I don't know why I ask if you want to do anything that involves a second of your time. Or why it still disappoints me that you always say no. I'm debating just stopping and getting something to eat on the way home. Eating it in the car, and then just going to bed when I get there. Because what's the point in being awake?
It's not even like I want to go out and do things with you. But there's no one else, how sad for both of us. If we did go, you'd complain about the kid, play on your phone, and go on about religion. And I'd pay. At least I'd get what I want for dinner. I've been feeling bad for over a week and work has been so impossible lately I just want to go do something. Somewhere. Just for an hour.
Instead I'll come home. Take a gummy, maybe I'll have a drink too. Lay in bed and play on my phone until I fall asleep and hope that tomorrow just doesn't come. But it will, and I'll still exist and still be sad and tired.
You'll hang out on the couch watching TV and ignoring everyone and eventually come to bed in the middle of the night and act annoyed that I don't want to wake up and have sex even though that is not something you've been able to accomplish for months and months anyway. Why lose sleep at this point? It's the only peace I get.
I'm glad there are people who are able to get out of these situations. Find something that actually makes them happy. I don't know that it will ever be me, but at least I know it's possible. When you spend your entire life making sure things are easier for other people, that you aren't a burden, that they have what they want, how do you ever really find yourself again? What if you never knew who you were to begin with, what if there's no yourself to even find?
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