my uncle died last week, and i attended his funeral yesterday. i hadn’t seen or spoken to him in over a year, when my grandfather passed away. i guess that’s how i’m doing family functions these days. funerals and memorials.
i’ve always had a really complicated relationship with my dad’s side of the family. they didn’t really seem to like me and they hated my mom, so a lot of our conversations were odd, prodding questions about her and my life. my grandparents very clearly enjoyed my male cousins much more, and the comparisons they’d make about us were said right to our face.
my grandmother had praised me quite a bit for my weight loss last year when i saw her and that seemed to be what she remembered and cared about this visit. i had not realized how me being fat (i’m still fat btw) had been such a prominent feature about me to everyone else. my fatness and food struggles have taken up my mind on a daily basis for over 20 years but i never considered that other people might think about it, too.
anyway. she asked if i had planned to have any babies, and i have to really try not to roll my eyes when people ask me that. with what money? with what house? i know you don’t need a house to have a child, but i’d like one. i also know that people have kids every day without much money or a savings account, but i think it’s clear what the smarter decision would be.
my clinical depression has gotten much worse with the economy tanking. gas is high. groceries are crazy expensive. my credit sucks. i’m in a ton of debt. everything feels pointless and worthless. i’m trying to take it day by day. find joy in the small things, like making myself an iced coffee. taking walks around the ponds in our neighborhood. audiobooks. new tv shows. i try not to think about how much mindless content i consume in order to distract myself from the bleakness of real life.
anyway - does anyone else think i should up my meds? lmao
Loading comments...