I Am Trying to Help Myself Thursday, September 22, 2005
I know that suicide hurts the family of the loved one the most. I know exactly what suicide is. I witnessed it a year ago when my cousin commited suicide, and then 6 months later his brother died. I saw the tears. I saw the fears.
I am NOT trying to kill myself. I am trying to help myself. I am just saying that yes, I am hurting. I am lost. I have no idea where to go next, or what to do. However, I am going to talk to someone about it. I have seriously thought about suicide and planned a little. That in no way means I am going to do it.
Suicide is a completely selfish act. I wouldn't do it for anyone but myself. I am not trying to make a point. I am not trying to show anyone anything. I am not trying to get people to feel sorry for myself. All I am doing is trying to find a way to make the pain stop.
I can't watch people brag about their kids learning to talk. I can't stand hearing stories of people's new houses. I can't stand hearing about what they got their kids for christmas. I can't stand hearing about friends planning on having another child. I can't handle it anymore. My mind is no longer strong enough to keep the hope that someday I will have that.
So please, offer me encouragement, because that is truly what I need. I don't need to be told how selfish I am being. I already know that. That is why I am trying to get a psychiatrist. I don't want to die. I want the pain to stop. I just can't think of many other options right now. I wake up with tears in my eyes. I type now with tears. I will go to bed with tears.
Call me weak. I don't care. I am. I am officially weak. I have tried for 12 years now to make it on my own. I have been strong for 12 years. Paid my own rent. Paid for my own cars. Paid my own bills. Never asked anyone for anything. Now I want someone to help me, and somene I can help, but can't find it. I am too tired to try anymore.
Forgive me for being tired. Commend me for the effort I gave. Pray that I get the help I need. That's what I ask.
Stop telling me I am bad for thinking about suicide. I can't stop my thoughts.
Her
Leave a Note
you're so young still..
i don't see what you're worried about.
hell, i always figured 35 was a great age to settle down finally.. you get to enjoy your youth..
maybe you should look at re-setting your goals, instead of feeling sorry for missing them.. [lowerlight]
9/22/2005 11:40:43 PM
you are being lifted in prayer hun..even though you don't know me I want you to know if you need someone to talk to I will always be here..you are not alone..take care please..((((((((HUGS)))))))))Lela [OF HIS WILL] 9/22/2005 11:43:06 PM
next time please say how serious you are suicide is no laughing matter and we tend to take to seriously some times, but the intehtions are always good 9/23/2005 12:10:20 AM
I'm glad you are seeking help. And I'm here to send positive vibes your way. Keep your head up and your eyes focused on what you want out of therapy. And I'll be praying for you. hugs
BTW:Don't listen to those who are negative toward you...just delete their notes(especially if they are unsigned)...that is what I do. If they cannot sign it, it doesn't deserve to be read. [lostonthesea]
9/23/2005 12:29:36 AM
What you don't realize is that it takes a much stronger person to admit they are weak. I too have thought of suicide in the past. Just know that you aren't alone and I'm pleased to see that you are reaching out for help. But don't sell yourself short. There is much more time in the world to have children of your own. Maybe I should read more to fully understand what you mean soon. -hugs-
[enchanted.] [p]
9/23/2005 10:14:10 AM
^And tell your unsigned noter to eat shit.
[enchanted.]
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