Low Saturday, September 17, 2005
I don't know what to do with myself. All I want to do is sleep. However, even sleep seems pointless. There is nothing in my life right now that I care about. My birthday will be here in 9 days. It's also my mom's birthday. I was hoping C would be able to go. Who was I kidding?
I knew that C was too good to be true. Now I have to tell my family about the break up. I don't think I will. If I tell them then I will have to re-live it all again. Not that it really ever was anything. I just don't want everyone to gather around me and be like, "there's more fish in the sea." and/or "You will find someone." And/or "there is the right guy out there for you."
Well. That's just fucking great. There is a guy out there for me. Whoop de fuckin' doo. What the Hell do I care for? Let me guess! He rides a white horse, he is handsome, fun loving, rich, and will love me unconditionally. RIGHT? He's going to help me through hard times. He's going to hold me when I am sad. He's going to take care of me and we are going to live in a big house with lots of children. RIGHT? Oh it's going to be fucking great.
Fuck that. I don't want it. I don't want anything. Except death. I can't live like this anymore. Monday I will schedule an appointment at the doctors. I know I am going to kill myself if I don't get into a psychiatrist immediatly. Maybe this time my fucking doctor will listen to me when I say I am depressed. I doubt it though. He's a man. They can't hear ya if you scream at them.
Yep. I am messed up. I am feeling so fuckin low that can't describe it.
I am sorry.
Her
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