Being ignored is such a trigger for me. I can’t quite figure out where it came from.. maybe from the silent treatment I experienced growing up? Maybe from the years of dating and being ghosted and men who wouldn’t communicate where I stood with them?
It just dries me CRAZY. I’m a person who neeeeds to know the answer to things. I hate being in the dark, I hate not having all the information.
Context -
I’m going to the midwest, to my home state, in a couple weeks. My niece is graduating high school (!!!) and I’m traveling there to attend her graduation party. My boyfriend S will also be coming, and it will be another ‘meet the family’ activity.
My hometown where my parents live is about 70-80 minutes drive away from where the graduation party is (the city). I’m staying in the city, not my hometown (because my hometown is awful).
Because reasons, my mom is not comfortable driving at night in the city anymore. The graduation party is 4:30pm-8:30pm, so she figured she wouldn’t be able to go. Honestly, a big part of me thought she didn’t actually want to go and she was using this as an excuse. But then, I had a phone call with her last weekend, and she hinted that we could drive her to the party. On the phone I agreed, because it felt like the right thing to do and because I hadn’t yet looked up how far it would be to drive. Of course, in the following days I started to have doubts, and my therapist basically told me I was crazy for agreeing to 4-5 hours of driving just to bring her to a party when I was the one already flying across the country to be there. Therapist assured me that my mom, an adult, could figure out a solution to attend the party if she wanted to.
It was hard for me, but I texted my mom a few days later explaining it would be a brutal amount of driving for us, and I proposed other solutions (like she could leave early when it was still light out, or she could meet us partway). She responded pretty quickly saying “I totally understand”, and that she’d consider my idea of her attending but leaving early. I then replied that if she isn’t able to make it, S and I could visit my hometown on another day that we’ll be in the state.
No response.
I don’t know what is happening and it makes me so anxious. She is generally a somewhat judgmental/mean/vindictive person, so I can just imagine all the shit she must be talking about me. And I’m imagining a scenario in which my own parents won’t agree to see me when I’m in the state. In a way, I don’t want to see them, either. What I do want is for S to meet them, so he can put a face to a name, and can better empathize with me when I’m struggling with my relationship to them. They aren’t kind, likable people, and I want him to see that firsthand. Sometimes I feel crazy - I grew up in an environment where my family was so hostile to me. Now, I live a good life where people generally like me, and it’s hard to reconcile the two experiences. I don’t know anyone who really bridges that gap. I need someone to see what I see, you know?
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