Last night, the Bulldog and I went for a long walk. It was cold outside, so we walked inside the mall. We had a really nice time on our walk and did a lot of talking, and this time he actually let me talk quite a bit. I always, always enjoy our Walk and Talks, especially when we both feel like we got a lot of talking out. What a great release.
I bought a new tote for my sweet Martini baby puppy. She likes to ride in my totes.
And then we went to dinner and talked some more. He told me that I’m lucky that he knew that I had a hard time during the full moon in Cancer due to my astrology because I had kinda made him feel like a loser that night when I got mad at him at bedtime. So I told him that I was feeling like a loser when I said those things. He then said, very seriously, “Ginger…you’re not a loser.”
I said something like, “Well, I just don’t know what to DO with this stuff” (gesturing in a circular motion with my hands and meaning, my feelings for him – good lord, I’m falling for him!).
And he answered back, “I just don’t know what to tell you.” Stoic.
Then and there, it finally dawned on my little brain: it will never work. He clearly doesn’t want what I almost desperately want to hear.
He tells me that he’s moving into a really bad place, by all signs from his stars – the dude lives by astrology, and before you tell me that I’ve gone coo-coo or he’s a nut job, everything, literally everything the guy has told me about what he knows about himself and the people around him are uncannily TRUE. The dude knows what’s going down, and is preparing for it. He’s supposed to be moving into a really rough time in his life.
Now. Is that an excuse for not wanting a relationship with me? Possibly.
But again, I didn’t know if I even wanted anything.
Oh, who am I kidding? Of course I wanted something with him. I can’t have sex like we have without getting attached.
Ugh. That’s right. I FELL FOR THE GUY! Just what [Parliament] warned me against doing.
So, the thing is, we didn’t leave on a sour note – just kind of a melancholy one. We continued to talk and we walked to his car to have a smoke and then he drove me to my car. I told him that I really liked having him in my life and that I would like to keep him in my life. However, I really didn’t get much of a response from that.
I think it’s fading out, folks. And the thing that scares me most about that was that he was my distraction. He was the one who kept me feeling OK about myself during this stupid unraveling of the bitter end of SP and me. Maybe I was using him, sure, but now I’m clinging to him…and we all know that clinging only pushes people further away.
I should be embracing this time. You know? I can do anything I want – nest in my apartment with my baby puppy, go out drinking, create a new look for myself, fuck around…whatever I want!
I just miss the closeness of love. I miss the security. I know this is my ego and my insecurity, and I know I have to let this go, but I am clinging to this loss because I feel the Bulldog slip from my fingers (though I never had him in the first place). And when the Bulldog goes…
…there’s nobody.
And I’m so embarrassed once again to be writing these kinds of words. I don’t understand why I go through this seemingly time and time again. The only explanation I can find appears to be in the stars.
Love and tears,
GS
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