When Rick and I were at his friend’s documentary screening, we ran into our friend, Ryan. Ryan had asked what Rick was up to, and in the middle of Rick showing Ryan what he’s designed, someone approached Ryan and interrupted Rick. Ryan just turned away and had a whole conversation with this person.
I immediately was thinking about how rude that was. One thing about Rick’s neuro-divergence is that he has trouble reading social cues. He stood there for THREE MINUTES, waiting for Ryan to acknowledge him. I watched his face change. It went from excited to share his designs, to feeling invisible. I was just about to ask him a question to distract him, when Ryan must have looked his way, and Rick held his phone up to signal he wanted to show him something. Ryan, in a very annoyed tone, said, “WHAT, RICK?!” I felt my face flush. I was feeling such secondhand embarrassment, that I put my head down and pretended to look for something in my purse.
Two days ago, his mom called and we were talking. It seems like every single time we talk, she says something he considers disparaging about him. My mom would do that same thing, so I wonder if it was a generational trauma thing. This conversation, she went on and on about how he was a month overdue when he was born, and how that should’ve been a sign that he was going to continue to take his time, and be difficult. She also infantilizes him and refers to him as “HER baby boy”. It really upsets him.
Today, we were supposed to go to the marionette theater he worked for previously. They were debuting a new show that contained puppets that Rick had designed and crafted before they laid him off. There is a whole other story behind that. They basically made him senior puppet builder, brought in young interns to work under him, then when they were ready to work, they let Rick go.
Anyway, the head of the board of directors called and said that she felt like he should see the show because of his contributions to it. I was invited as well.
I got dressed, put makeup on, and even curled my hair. Then IBS decided to rear its ugly head ten minutes before we were set to leave for the show. Rick was pulling the car around to grab me and I had to tell him to go without me. I feel really guilty about it. I couldn’t help it, but I still feel bad. I should’ve been there to celebrate his contributions. Instead, I am sick at home.
He’s sent pictures, and honestly, they kinda fucked up his designs when they finished the puppets. Now I am kinda glad that I didn’t go, because I would not have been able to have a poker face. I could not have played gracious with some of his fake former co-workers. Rick is very good about letting things go, or refuses to see the negative side of things. It almost feels like he cowers. I have tried to bolster his confidence, but I am not sure it is working.
He’s been acting, and looking more than a little downtrodden lately. I am not sure how to help. I just wrote him a note, telling him how proud I am of him.
I just feel very protective of him. Defensive on his behalf. I am starting to see his wounds. The scars he was able to hide until now. I understand the way he feels. I was frequently made to think that I would never succeed. Not understanding WHY I was the way I was. Why I never fit in. Rick has friend groups, but he is seemingly the outsider of the groups. I also think that he had never felt understood and accepted before me.
I hate that. I don’t ever want him to feel that way in terms of me. Like I don’t accept him. I love that man more than I have loved anyone in my life.
He is going to head over to Walgreens to see if he can find the two medications we want to try out. Then he’ll be home. I am interested to hear what happened.
I am going to make tacos bowls with ground pork, rice and refried black beans for dinner. I am going to make fresh tortilla chips with chile lime seasoning for dipping into the bowls! I am excited. We have a good taco sauce and also a chipotle ranch sauce too. (it’s the next day. Dinner was SO GOOD.)
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