I’ve stolen a quiet moment. Leftover dinner is finished; Scott’s not home yet; Little A got put to sleep early and B is …at work? Probably?
I got a different website filter (Qustodio) and I’ve really loved being able to more carefully choose what the kids have access to at different times in the day. Overall it’s caused the gaming time has taken a nosedive, but M’s spirits haven’t suffered the complete meltdown I expected. So that’s no small relief. Thus, I know my middle three are downstairs hanging out, but I’m not worried they’re killing time on mind-numbing brain rot games. So that’s a W.
I have finished up with NS, where we’ve spent the last five years doing some homeschool classes, and got accepted to PS. Leaving NS ought to have been a heartbreak of a day, and really it sorta was, but not like I’d expected. When I was debriefing with Karen about it, she reminded me how Melanie used to always say things about, “it’s MY tiara, Karen. I want to wear the tiara,” which was some kinda odd joke about power, really actually alluding to how power-hungry Mel always perceived Karen to be, but doing it in a way that was perhaps more honest and self-centered than Melanie realized she was being.
Mel wields her power far differently than Karen did, back when Karen was at NS and when she was Chair. Where Karen had very high standards (and perhaps felt pretty cold sometimes) Melanie feels playful, lighthearted, and egalitarian. But that’s now how things really were behind the scenes at our board meetings. She embodied Karen’s authoritarian streak far more than she realized, and standing up to any of her ideas felt like going to battle to me. And Chaundra. Mel had generally done all of the thinking ahead of time, so there wasn’t much room to actually offer suggestions. Her priorities were sometimes weird and more determined by random comments of members than by the established priorities of the community, and gently directing her back to our guiding principles was never easy, nor received well. Often I’d ask what the main outcome-goal of an activity or decision she was presenting. What are we trying to achieve with this decision you’re positing? She often wasn’t clear. That’s probably not unusual, but my thinking is different and it felt weird, awkward, and almost accidentally patronizing to try to help her nail things down actual priorities instead of winging it with some whims. I know those questions annoyed her, but I still stand by their import.
When Chaundra told me that Melanie had been privately saying, “Look, not everyone can be a Valancy Crosby,” and I’d heard her say the same thing in a board meeting, that’s when I knew I wasn’t fully real to her. Well, that sounds victim-y. I don’t mean to sound like that, but it’s about how I felt. Like a caricature. There was a story about me, and the story about me was more real to her than I was.
Perhaps I could’ve overcome that. Maybe. I could’ve called her, we could’ve fought and apologized and maybe gained a little ground, but where we stood on issues wouldn’t have moved. We’d have been back to fighting again in a matter of weeks or months. And the community isn’t what I want for my kids, so why go through all that?
I do think NS is headed for some potential Camelot days, so to speak. Most of those who really wanted a degree of rigor have left, so there’s more potential for widespread, easy agreement within the community than in the past. I mean, scholarly achievement and classical culture may be out the window entirely, but it is good to be in a community of likeminded individuals who are pursuing the same goal. They stand a better chance for that now, and I do feel happy about that for them.
I find myself only sorta hoping they keep Chaundra or Sarah. They’re the two stalwarts of the acting community, and both are so unhappy. For their own sakes, I wish them finding a spot at Kindred where they will flourish joyously. What will NS do without them? It might mean Mel will wake up and realize there are some consequences to choices she makes that, in effect, extort older members. But more likely she just forces Jess to do theater and they live to see another day.
EJ got admitted into PS. NS doesn’t know yet, and Karen and Desaray from PS don’t know yet, but I think the latter will approve. EJ is a drastic step up from at least a few families they have.
Anyway. This whole thing is too messy and convoluted to be of any interest to others. I’m sorry about that. We’ll try again. next time. For now, it’s a relief to have put these things down on paper, at least a little.
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