Dear God,
I don’t believe I have nine lives, but I titled this prayer that way because my life has been a constant struggle. I know I shouldn’t dwell on the past, but my mind keeps going back to everything I’ve been through. I think about putting a needle in my arm and waking up to find all my credit destroyed. I think about going to jail multiple times. I think about all the car accidents I’ve been in. I think about being drugged and raped, and then being violated again by others. I think about my hair being burned off. I think about my body breaking out in hives. I think about having a gun held to my head while being robbed in my own apartment. I think about the rats that have been in my home. I think about the diseases I could have caught when I did porn as a teenager.
And I can’t forget the time I almost drowned as a child—when I was trapped under a flotation device in a friend’s pool, struggling and pushing upward just to get air.
Out of everything, the car accidents stand out the most… then the moment with the gun to my head… and then the needle, because it could have been infected with something like AIDS. Any of those moments could have taken my life.
But I’m still here.
I’m still alive. Completely unscathed in ways that don’t even make sense. I’ve never broken a bone. I don’t have any STDs or illnesses. Even my hair is growing back—quickly. I can already see the baby hairs coming in. Thank You for that.
Just now, I jumped out of bed and started stomping hard. I kicked the walls with my right foot because I heard something inside them. It’s the mice or me. Every time I walk around, I stomp, trying to make it clear that this is my home and they need to go somewhere else. I heard movement, but now it’s quiet again. I can’t let this take over my life.
I need to get a certified letter written. I need to print it out tomorrow, or as soon as possible, and have it mailed. I need changes, or I need to get out of this complex.
Even now, I still hear movement. It scares me.
God, I wanted to come to You. I wanted to pray. I wanted to ask You to have mercy on my soul. I wanted to ask You why I keep making bad decisions, and I wanted Your divine help.
I’ve spoken about everything to so many people—but not to You first. I kept reaching for others because I needed immediate comfort. I needed to hear a voice right away. I didn’t have the patience to sit in silence and come to You first. And I feel bad about that.
Right now, in this silence, I can still hear those sounds in the walls, and it bothers me deeply.
I know I almost died. Only You truly know how close I was. When the hood of my car flew up and smashed into the windshield, glass shattered all over me. I couldn’t see anything in front of me because the hood blocked my entire view. Somehow, I didn’t hit another car. I managed to move over and pull onto the shoulder of the freeway safely.
I’m alive.
I’m alive. I’m alive.
But inside, I keep asking myself—why do bad things keep happening? And then I think… maybe it’s because I don’t listen. You warn me, over and over again, but it doesn’t fully click until it’s too late. When will I finally listen?
I feel physically off. I’m dehydrated. I just drank 16 ounces of water in four gulps because I needed it so badly. That’s how my life feels—I need help, and You provide it, but somehow I still feel thirsty. I don’t even know if I’m making sense. I just know I still feel sad.
And yet, You just brought someone into my life—a man named Tom. He said he knows You well. Then he told me to keep my mind focused on money. It was strange. He randomly texted me, thinking I was someone else—a “jet black skinny Haitian girl” who had made a lasting impression on him. He even sent a picture of himself. He looked exactly how I imagined—like a bald Billy Bob Thornton. I don’t fully understand it.
I don’t know what to do. I feel completely out of it.
God, I need You.
I know You’re real because You’ve kept me alive through everything. But right now, I feel like I’m going through it in every way.
I need the kind of hug that makes me feel safe—the kind that’s tight, where I’m gently rocked back and forth. I need the kind of comfort where I can lay my head on Your chest and feel at peace. I need a peace that surpasses all understanding.
I need You so much.
Help me. Help me. Help me.
In Jesus’ name,
Amen
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