Misogyny: Being stuck in the closet and afraid to come out of it. That’s all it is. Men lashing out at the very beings they wish they were attracted to. Such a shame too. This is 2025, not 1925. I know not everyone agrees with this belief, but that’s okay.
Slept absolutely shitty as hell. Woke up in the middle of my sleep with my nose almost completely blocked. Had to use the antihistamine spray, and while it did eventually open my nose, the break in sleep—along with a later nightmare of Ostrander trying to give me a shot way deep in my mouth—has left me exhausted. We need to get the fuck out of here.
Florida is just not an allergy-friendly place. Yeah, as soon as I know what’s going on today, I’ve got to get in for allergy testing. This is fucking ridiculous. I had a nose strip on and the dilator. Makes me wonder if even the nasal pillow would have helped. I can’t keep dealing with this shit. Whatever is cursing my sleep is using my own fucking body against me because there’s no traffic. So now I’m going to feel hungover and fatigued for most of the day, and my brain isn’t going to function too great.
Another thing to fuck with my sleep is that lower-left stomach pain which is back with a vengeance. Why? Just fucking why? Like I said, getting that nasal pillow back will be a good test as to whether or not I really am as cursed as I seem to be. I just fear I’m not going to sleep most of the time no matter what I do.
Finished the challenge yesterday, going from New Zealand to Panama City, which was gorgeous. Now I’m back in Lithuania on my own ride.
Went to Burger King yesterday for breakfast.
Reading I Kill Killers by ST Ashman.
Later…
Back from the doctor. Leukocytes are still up, as I figured. The doctor I saw was a bit hard to understand but very nice. He suspects the Cipro might not have been the right antibiotic for me. I’m starting Bactrim today, which has helped in the past.
Also, due to the number of UTIs I’ve had these last couple of years, he wants me to go to a urologist. The urologist will then refer me for imaging. They’ll check the structure of my bladder as well as look for any stones. So off I go to yet more doctors. I just can’t get a break.
I really wonder if the lower left cramping that I have intermittently could be connected or not.
He didn’t do a vaginal swab, but I really don’t think I have a yeast infection. I might after the Bactrim, though, and therefore I might have to take Diflucan.
I don’t know what to think at this point. I’d like to think I’m just getting more UTIs because of my age and that the spots really were due to atrophy and that the cramp is simply digestive, but why would I have these things all of a sudden?
The way I pee isn’t normal either. The stream is a bit weak, and sometimes I don’t do much.
Another possibility I read about besides a blockage, is the pelvic muscles weakening and tipping the bladder in a way that makes it harder for it to empty completely. It definitely seems harder to squeeze the last bit out. There’s always a bit of a delay as you get older, but it’s been more noticeable lately.
I highly doubt I have anything cancerous. Let’s just say I would be seriously surprised if I did.
Anyway, I took the list of doctors home that they gave us, and we looked up who was in my plan. Tomorrow, I’ll give a group here in town a call when I’m hopefully more awake and can think straight. I’m horribly tired today.
Funny how I said to Tom, “Who’s next to jump out from my past, Chris?” That’s because he was in my dreams last night. I don’t remember what happened, but it wasn’t bad. Even though I haven’t blocked him, there’s no way he would contact me any more than Maliheh or Nane would. People don’t move on. He just couldn’t miss me or care enough any more than the others could. It’s always the most toxic who make their eventual return.
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