It took half a decade, but I finally received the contact I knew would eventually come from Tammy. She sent one email to Outlook and two to Gmail. I’m pretty sure I blocked her, so these are likely newer or alternate email addresses. I should have blocked her name if that’s possible.
My first thought was that she was writing to threaten me about something I wrote in my blog. Then I wondered if maybe she was telling me she was dying. Instead, she said she misses me terribly, her amazing husband has died, and she’s all alone and lonely with a heavy heart. Of course, there were no apologies for the threats or the hell she put me and my husband through in the past.
At first, I contemplated replying with a fake bounce message to make her think her email didn’t go through. But then I decided the best course of action was to do nothing at all. That way, she’ll have to wonder if I even received the messages. I’m not even going to block her because that would be taking action. From personal experience, I know that no response or action at all is the most frustrating and confusing. You don’t even know if the person got the message unless she has a way of knowing I saw it. I’d rather leave it like that than block her or explain why I don’t want her back in my life because it wouldn’t change a thing. The moment she gets pissed at me again, the threats would start, and she’d involve her daughters too. I don’t need that kind of toxicity and immaturity in my life.
I’m sure she expects to carry on as if nothing ever happened. Sorry, Tam, but you don’t get to have a hand in landing me in jail and then put me through the kind of emotional grief you put me through in 2009 and then again a decade later and expect everything to be peachy. You go to the pigs because you’re pissed at me, you threaten my husband and me, you have Sarah troll me, you bash one of the books I had on Amazon, you cause me to have to change my number, and you expect to kiss and make up? No fucking way. If I knew I was going to die in a year or less, maybe.
While I empathize with anyone who is suffering emotionally or physically, I also need to look out for myself. I’ve been struggling with similar mixed emotions where Andy is concerned. I miss him, but I don’t miss the bullshit. Tom supports my decision either way, and I love him for that.
I realize many people might see me as cold and callous and insist I’m going to hell if such a place exists. But it’s hard to get over the things she’s done in the past. These were HUGE offenses, not just minor snubs. So, while I feel bad for her because she’s depressed, she also needs to realize she brought part of it on herself. Had she not done the things she did to me, she wouldn’t be in this predicament and missing me.
Again, I’m not surprised she reached out because she might see me as a lost child due to our age difference. I wasn’t just a little sister, but the sister she cared for while our selfish parents were off having a blast. In some ways, she was as bad to be in the care of as Mom was. But yes, she babysat me a lot while they were off having the time of their lives.
I’m a little confused—she told me Mark passed away as if I didn’t know. Doesn’t she know about the messages I left on his obituary and suspect I was behind them? I assumed that was why she blocked me. I don’t know if she’s unblocked me, but I’m not going to unblock her to find out. I’ve closed as many portals as I can, and I’m keeping this entry private. She might have saved my email addresses, but I don’t know if she bookmarked or remembers the blogs. She could be following a link I once sent her on Facebook to Prosebox, as I’ve been getting visitors from Facebook lately. The locations vary, likely due to Facebook’s privacy measures. I can’t confirm if it’s her, but the timing is a coincidence. I can’t be sure if she’s visited Blogger, LiveJournal, or elsewhere. Whoever it is, they’re checking out one entry each time. If it were her, I would think she’d want to open multiple entries to catch up on my life unless she’s been doing that elsewhere.
I wonder if her brood knows she’s tried to contact me. I would guess not because, assuming they still hate me, they would try to talk her out of it. The way she talks about being all alone and lonely makes me wonder if her brats have cut her off. I can’t believe all three of them would do that, as twisted as they are. The only one I know who’s dumped her for periods of time is Lisa.
Her messages could be a ploy with sinister intentions, but I don’t think so.
This may sound selfish, but another reason I don’t miss her is that we have little in common. All she does is watch TV, read, and worship a God I don’t know exists. Our tastes in books, music, and everything else have always been different. Also, I don’t want to go back to the 45-minute phone calls. I don’t want her assuming I’ll send anything to her kids if they get into a jam either. I can’t pretend to care about people I don’t care about and could never fully forgive. I don’t have the hard feelings I used to, though. The thought of kicking the crap out of her used to delight me to no end but now I couldn’t do it even if I had the chance. I would feel guilty and fear karma. So, I don’t wish her harm and hope she doesn’t harm herself because she does have the girls, fucked up or not. I don’t think she will. Overall, I’ve become pretty indifferent to all of them.
Later…
So fucking sick of these daily helicopters. They’re worse on weekends, though.
Had decent energy yesterday but today I’m exhausted. I woke up a million times. I still fear I’m not meant to sleep well no matter what I do. Really hope I’m wrong but we’ll find out as soon as I can get my hands on another CPAP. Every time it annoys me, I’m going to remember how badly I want to have more energy more often and stop replacing the traffic wake-up calls with snoring wake-up calls.
Anyway, I still have burning down there and I did a second urinalysis test and the strip was the same color. A couple of things were almost borderline, but not quite. Tom thinks it’s just how I am now, but I’m not sure what to think. I researched the possibilities and I don’t have lupus and my A1C isn’t out of control. Also, since there’s only a 1% chance of cancer, if I read correctly, and I don’t have other symptoms like flank pain or stomach pain, I’m just not sure what the hell to think. Maybe I can get some answers from Rhonda tomorrow, although I suspect she may want me to go to the lab.
I’d love to do a piss test when I’m not burning and see what the colors are then. We have tons of strips. So many that, as gross and funny as this may sound, we even tested the rat. The silly little thing has a habit of going on her upper shelf instead of taking the time to go downstairs to her bedding. She has a surprising amount of protein in her pee for one that doesn’t eat much protein. It’s not good for their skin.
Really beginning to wonder just where those spots came from. Another thing that may sound gross but something I’m curious about just the same—given their placement on my undies, I question which portal they emerged from. Haven’t noticed any in a while, though. I’m sure whatever it is, it’s no big deal, but it sure is annoying.
The only thing that doesn’t make sense about the vision I had was the “for sale” sign being on a stake driven into the ground. They don’t do that in this park. They just tape the signs to their lanais.
I’m just wondering when Florida is going to feel like Florida again! The heat has had to run all day, and that just seems all wrong. It shouldn’t be running in the middle of the afternoon in this state.
I was thinking of Andy earlier. I miss him, but not his thinking everything everyone says is a lie and assuming we’re all the same. I wonder if he would still be digging through Stevie’s trash periodically if we were still in Phoenix. I was laughing when I was remembering those days. I’ve seen the house—well, with what little I could see of it from the street—but I never participated in any of those trash raids. But he would tell me everything he found and it was pretty funny. Nothing was funnier than Sally, the girl singing and playing guitar on a cassette. I don’t think I ever heard anything sound as bad as that! LOL. No wonder the damn thing ended up in Stevie’s trash if she even heard it to begin with. I’ll have to look through some of my ’90s entries and see what else was found. I think there were some receipts for beauty products and something about doctors. Pretty sure he took Michelle with him on one of these endeavors.
The connection he made with Stevie’s mom was cool too.
I don’t miss Maliheh, but I sure miss Nane at times. That’s ok. We can still ravish each other in my stories. I don’t think I’ll ever miss anyone as much as I miss Aly, though!
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