I didn’t get much sleep last night. I think I finally got to my bedroom around 2 or 3. Nala was curled up tightly to me until about 6:45 a.m. and when she realized I was going to play The Snooze Game decided to continue her sleep less interrupted elsewhere. My body is hurting, mostly my back, but that’s as much to do with sleep as the weather. Work, unsurprisingly, looks to be heavy. Not just today but for the rest of the week. Which… of course it does. How many truly light weeks has this place ever given me?
I acknowledge I probably spend too much time in the past. But it can be interesting sometimes. Last night, I was watching Alan Tudyk explain how he had to fight to be an actor. And it highlighted how I just… folded… when my dare to be great moment arrived. And my mind took the moment to really acknowledge that… the responsibility and personality spectrum of “maturity” was deeply fucked up for me. I was being given a microphone and leading prayers and Bible Studies at the age of 7; but my first kiss came at the same age most of my peers were losing their virginity. I was doing 5 am to Midnight school/activity hours at the same time most people were hanging out with friends and going on dates. There was this bizarre “Intellectual Maturity” I was considered to have while at the same time, I lacked sincere maturity and social growth. Yes, I could read in front of a class with ease by the time I was 8; but build a friendship of merit? Sure, I could discuss the cultural importance of a piece of music for my middle school class; but emotionally process asking a girl out? And I felt sorry for that boy. That boy who was pestered by a sense of maturity and expectation and yet… lacked the social and emotional maturity needed to actually learn/grow/accomplish at the rate of my peers. I’ve seen this described before as “Atypical Maturity” as often seen in Juvenile Psychology discussions. I don’t think the language directly applies; but it is often discussed when a student matures intellectually and so is seen as “intelligent and capable”, even if they haven’t matured socially or emotionally. Which creates problems because maturation is supposed to go social -> emotional -> intellectual so that the human can have a community. Atypical Maturity often results in anti-social or poor social lifestyles because when the atypically mature reach their social/emotional growth.... they are often years behind their peers and, since they’ve been considered “mature enough” by their teachers, parents, adults… they lack guidance, grace, and growth in that area. It’s one part of the Burnt Out Gifted Kid model. People who were “intelligent early” when it meant “public speaking and reading” are given praise and left on their own. When their peers “catch up” to them in public speaking and reading… the “Gifted Kid” is now just average… but missed out on the social/emotional aid/lessons/support their peers received in youth. It all just… it reminds me why I feel so.... behind people in important ways… even after 40.
That said, I review the pages of this space occasionally for “THIS DAY IN HISTORY” and… some things are almost unrecognizable, others are “same as ever.” Take 2025- I was really excited for my date with the D&D Jewish College Teacher. A year later- it’s still the most “Oh, this could work- I hope it does” that I’ve had in the dating fiasco. Other than distance, as it simply “ended with zero texts”- I don’t have a good specific reason why it didn’t work out. But go back farther- 2021… I was shifting to new medication, I was actively cooking most of my meals, I was… living like “an adult” despite COVID and Divorce and Sexual Violence Docket. But then… you can almost feel it in the air looking back on those entries. Board Game Night was looming. An important, if hurtful, and perhaps needed negative event. So much of my writing proves the “we are different people all throughout our life” axiom but… it also proves “no matter where you go, there you are” axiom as well. I’m different people throughout the years, but I’m always me. I feel like I’ve been a lot of different people even in just the last six years… and that’s not a cheeky way to say “I’ve been cast in a lot of plays” (even though I have). There just… seems to be… a lot of differences between who I was in 2020 and 2021 to who I am today. Some… probably better.... some… almost certainly worse.
Of course, spending even a moment listening to the cases currently ongoing in this courthouse, and I rethink the entire “emotional/social maturity” angle. But, again, that is because the majority of my interactions with humans are with the people who.... lack the maturity, the intelligence, the emotional regulation necessary to function. I don’t consider myself “emotionally behind” the 26 year old man who orchestrated sending his 19 year old girlfriend and her friends into a high school to “beat the fuck” out of some girls his sister didn’t like. BUT I do consider myself socially behind. Which… is possibly where some of my frustrations and incongruities lie. I know better than to actively do physical violence to someone because I’m feeling an uncomfortable emotion. And yet lacking that knowledge and ability does not seem to be a deal breaker in most relationships. So… developing the emotional muscle “we don’t hit” has no social impact when it seems so many who never developed that are considered more socially desirable. Similarly, learning “relative independence” (keeping a job, moderately taking care of a home) was supposed to have social bearing as an adult… and yet, the number of adults who “can’t keep a job or a home” seems overwhelming and yet, those people have no shortage of social pillars propping them up. Almost like… all the areas where I spent time “building” don’t matter at all without the proper social foundations which I didn’t build.... and people who have developed, at least surface level social foundations… don’t actually seem to need the other areas like education, emotional regulation, or even stability itself.
Rehearsal for tonight is cancelled. On the one hand? GOOD because I still have a lot of work to do around the house and grocery shopping to do. On the other hand? Poo to me for “being responsible” last night! I could have gotten more sleep instead! But also, generally, poo to me specifically. Because rehearsal cancelled tonight? Means a few things
(1) It means I’ll likely stay late at work tonight trying to get more of the never ending mountain done;
(2) It means after I leave work, I’ll zip over to the grocery store to get some emergency provisions
(3) Then I’ll go home and take Nala to the Dog Park
(4) After the Dog Park, I’ll come home and do a load of dishes (full cycle)
(5) While that’s going on, I’ll make dinner
(6) As I eat dinner, I’ll make sure Cleaner’s Check is on the Chess Board
(7) I’ll start my second load of laundry
(8) Empty the dishwasher and re-load with remaining items
(9) Clean up Dog Toys around house for cleaners
(10) Give serious consideration to whether to see if Mother0f3 would want to do dinner.... and if I want to do dinner with her? I mean… text convo hasn’t been inspiring; she’s got that whole shopping cart full of red flags… but… I do worry that dating, conversation, and the social dance is a muscle that needs to be exercised to prevent atrophy. So… not sure what the right, correct, or honorable decision is there- if I’m being honest.
I was… considering what I need to do to change things. My current experience and education benefit me nothing and even contemplating moving to another state requires a contemplation of retaking a bar exam or an ethics exam at minimum. The job, education really do limit me. So, with an eye towards “local liberal areas I have enjoyed visiting” I looked into various possibilities. Most neighboring states require their professional staff to have advanced degrees. Lots of “Masters or Doctorate Required/Preferred.” But as I looked into things? Bethel. Bethel College in Minnesota has a fully online Masters Program. My brother did their Masters of Theology for funsies during the Pandemic. I looked into the Masters of Social Work program.... something that could help me provide mental health assistance or advocate for justice in a different way. Their program is 100% online, is geared towards passing licensing exams, and contains the 900 hours of field practicum typically required for licensure. It is a 56 Credit Masters that costs (roughly) $50,000. IS THAT SOMETHING THAT I WANT TO DO? Is that something that would bring me… any of what I’m looking for? Is that even something I could do with my job? I mean… the acting would have to go away for three to four years depending on how long it would take me… if I could even qualify. It would be… a costly mistake if I tried and failed… perhaps a more costly mistake if I tried, succeeded, and found myself exactly where I am anyway.
And this is where a lifetime of “close but not there” or “total failure” lands you! The things I was passionate about… didn’t pan out the way that I thought they would… or, in some cases, at all the way they should have. I don’t have infinite time. I don’t have infinite resources. I don’t have infinite ability. I can’t invest another 5 to 10 years into a life I don’t want. Which… yes, I know the Ra-Ra posters that would say, “Okay, but you can’t invest another 5 to 10 years stuck in a life you don’t want either!” I’m just.... it’s good to think of these things. It’s good to generate ideas. That, at least, is more than my ex-partner. I’m open to ideas, I’m looking into things… I’m putting.... my limited time and energy into at least entertaining possibilities. It makes me also want to make sure I’m getting medication and counseling and everything else looked into… because those are things that should be able to be addressed without needing to move to a different state. IN THEORY. I checked my GP’s schedule? Best days for him in April? Mondays at 1:30; Tuesdays all day or Thursdays all day. In other words.... Mondays: when I have trial; Tuesdays: When I have jury trial; and Thursday when I am booked in three courtrooms at once. Fuck! Genuinely, it is times like this that I wish our intern worked more than 2 days a week. I’ll schedule for the earliest Monday appointment and fingers crossed they can open up time in the morning or I can convince someone to cover her for me.... preferably in a way that doesn’t get returned on Appeal making me have to do the entire thing all over again.
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