My mind has been jumbled lately. Just existing. Not having the drive or energy to strive for anything more than basic upkeep on myself and the apartment. I have been constantly stressed out. Having heart palpitations. Scrolling on Facebook entirely too much. Bed rot had taken over yet again.
Then came a butt kicking by my therapist. “CUT THE STRESS. NOW. Put your phone down and do anything and everything you love. The world and all of it’s problems will still be there when and if you decide to come back to it.” I knew if Lauren was being this direct with me, she was concerned. I talked to Rick about it, and he agreed.
I had an appointment with my new rheumatologist right after therapy. He was a little dry, but seemed thorough. He asked if I had been tested for Lupus and Ankylosing Spondylitis, and I THOUGHT I had… I remembered a genetic marker for something coming back as positive, but couldn’t remember what. From his reactions and the questions he was asking, I could surmise that he thinks he knows exactly what I have been dealing with beyond the blanket fibromyalgia diagnosis.
He ordered extensive lab testing and x-rays. The lab is just downstairs from his office, and I had planned to go there right after the appointment, but they were inexplicably closed. We’ve had other things to do for the rest of the week, so I will be getting it all handled Monday. I could not remember everything I had already been tested for by my last rheumatologist, and I wanted to compare lab orders between the orders from the new doctor, and my previous labs. I logged into my old My Chart account just now.
I do indeed carry the genetic marker HLA-B27, which is a marker for Ankylosing Spondylitis. And my last specialist never even tested for Lupus! I am a little dumbfounded, as my last doctor told me she had “exhausted ALL possibilities” in terms of testing.
I know it is useless to feel anything negative about it now, as it is in the past, and we are moving forward with a new perspective from my current doctor. But there is a bit of vindication— I knew I wasn’t imagining all of this.
So move forward we shall.
On an unrelated, but relative note… in an effort to cut stress, I decided to put some major work into my reselling the past few days. I have been getting up early, and NOT doom scrolling. I have been working for hours everyday listing new items I have had sitting here… mostly video game consoles and tons of games. Something told me to list the items, and to store them in their respective shipping boxes, so I could just tape them all up when they sold and ship them out…
That must have been a subconscious manifestation tool. After I did that, I read my horoscope and it said that my financial situation was going to improve drastically, and QUICKLY.
Not five minutes later, eBay notification… “YOUR ITEM SOLD FOR 349.99!” Then a message on Facebook- “I’d like to buy your Playstation 2. Is 120 okay?” Then a plan to meet on Friday (today) to make the exchange. Then a friend texted and asked if I could babysit her two kiddos for an evening so she could go out. She pays 20 an hour, and two of those hours, the kids would be asleep! AND we would get to see their dog, who we used to take care of for weeks at a time.
Yesterday, we were at the food pantry just as they opened, and we were #65 in line. I had brought a book, “Jonathon Livingston Seagull” with me. I knew it would be a long wait , and I don’t have data on my phone, not to mention trying to refrain from doom scrolling anyway. So we sat in the shaded garden of the church while we waited for our number to be called. I finished the book about two minutes before they called us up. Perfect timing.
This time around, I didn’t get the allotted 12 cans of pantry stuff. I chose ten. They had strawberries, cotton candy grapes, nice onions, and mini sweet peppers this time. We got another very large bulk frozen pack of chicken legs and thighs. At this point, we are swimming in chicken. The bread room had a decent selection as well, and we ended up with two jars of Asian hot sauce, a ten pack of Cliff Bars cookies and cream protein bars, good brioche hot dog buns, goat cheese, and an Artisan loaf of bread. When we headed out to the bonus area- I found Trader Joes fig and olive crisps (perfect with the goat cheese!) and a bottle of Subway sweet onion teriyaki sauce/dressing.
After that, we headed to the post office to drop off the 349 dollar order. Later, we headed to our friends’ place to hang out with Imogen and Lennox for the evening. Their dog, Frida, remembered us and was very excited to see us. The kids are crazy smart, like well beyond their years, and spending time with them is always a hoot. We watched Meet the Robinsons, which Rick brought with us to show the kids. Coincidentally, they have been reading the book that the movie is based on since they were very little.
Their mom was home by 10:30, handed me 110 bucks, and we headed back to our apartment.
Today, we ran errands, and met up with the dude that was buying the Playstation in a parking lot three blocks from the apartment. 120 dollars into our bank account. We haven’t had enough money to eat out at all lately, so I sprung for Popeyes chicken. They have fried pickles right now, and I also got a shrimp and chicken combo that was super tasty. Rick got a spicy chicken sandwich with bacon and pepper jack.
It’s going to be a laid back weekend. All of the money I made, beyond our lunch, has to go to bills, so there is no fun money to be had. Plus on Sunday, there is what sounds like a very cool alumni event at Rick’s alma mater, Art Center, in Pasadena. Exhibits, talks, films, demos, celebrities… Rick is going. I am not. I simply can’t walk the campus. When Rick brought it up, he already knew there was no way I could do it. And he NEEDS to go, because that’s prime networking time. But I am absolutely feeling left out. Plus we had loosely planned to go to Heritage Square here to hang out and tour the historic Victorian homes and museums, but that was squashed in favor of this networking thing.
I get it. But my fears about my disabilities all seem to be coming true. The fear of missing out SUCKS.
I need to get my mobility figured out, or soon, I feel like I won’t be leaving the apartment at all.
Loading comments...