With dealing with people like I do all day, you can see how “conversation at all” becomes important and creates the issues it does. Going from merely “Well, that is a pretty long dry spell” straight into “Okay, wow. You really need to have people in your life that aren’t there explicitly to cause problems!” Part of why I kept talking to Cassie for as long as I did was… simply… the need for people in my life that aren’t brain dead stupid or wildly insane. Because, outside of acting and the Dog Park, my every human interaction is with the bone dead stupid or the wildly insane via work. Though… I am willing to go deeper on why things like Aku and Hermia and Essen and.... whatever is developing with Housing Insecure Mother of 3. If I get time to really be self-reflective and deep about it.
The skimming the surface issues?
(1) How I see myself prevents me from connecting to people of a higher caliber.
I tend to see myself negatively, as is pretty obvious from my writing. Therefore, people who meet a certain standard feel fundamentally above me, out of my reach, and/or feel like I would be a negative influence. This is… echoes of Buffy all over. Buffy was beautiful, intelligent, athletic… she was… amazing. It took me 8 months to work up the courage to ask her out. And I tortured myself before hand. Buffy ran Marathons. Her house was about 3 miles from my parents’ place. Over those 8 months, I set myself a challenge to be able to run to her house before I asked her out. So, I had to run 3 miles (and back) before I felt I could even ask her out! When we were dating? I never even tried to kiss her. I thought she was very attractive, but… again… she’s slumming it with me and she’s a good Christian girl and..... we broke up after 3 months and a Prom together with me never having “made a move.” There is a fundamental issue with me whereby… if I can’t see how you’re a total mess, I just don’t feel worthy enough.
(2) How I see myself prevents me from connecting to people who don’t have a significant need I can fulfil.
I tend to see myself negatively, as is pretty obvious from my writing. Therefore, I find myself more drawn to individuals who have a need I can easily identify to justify to myself what my “role” or why they may be drawn to me could be. Whether it’s “You can act as unlicensed therapist” or “You can provide transportation and sight” or “You can provide a safehouse to protect her and her kids” or “You can provide A house at all”.... being able to see how I can fulfil a need worms behind my barriers and emotional defenses to say, “Okay- but dude? You can help. You can be helpful. You think you suck but even if you suck; there’s this specific way where you can actually be good!”
(3) Purity Culture Echoes Combine With Demisexuality
Even despite being demisexual, I still have a type. Or “types”. There are certain facial features- hair color combinations- body types that I tend to go for more than others. If there is a feeling of connection on any level, the physical can grow from there. That’s what… alarmed me… so about Cassie. Her face was not one I would typically go for, her body was better than I typically go for, but… I never felt a connection. Texting was stilted and guarded. The dates themselves were awkward and, at times, uncomfortable. I am genuinely wondering if she, as a modern woman, was in a “physical first, then guard slowly falls” headspace. Why she would want to kiss me on the 3rd date when it felt like we’d honestly never connected in any way. And I’m not even judging that. If we’d earnestly formed a connection, I would have kissed Date 1, 2, or 3… I just… want some kind of connection first. ADD TO THAT the Purity Culture bullshit- on 2 fronts! Front One: You need to have a relationship before physical intimacy. I need connection, trust, inside jokes, an earnest sense of “Do you care about my day?” kind of thing. Front Two: Sex can be a beautiful expression of emotion… but at its core it is a physically thrilling act considered dirty by many. So.... if you can’t see yourself having rutting animalistic sex with this person- they aren’t for you. AND… people who would otherwise meet my personal standards? Meeting my standards and being in any way interested in passionate sex with me seems to be too high a bar in combination. Which may also be significant hold over from Nancy, too. I mean… Nancy was my wife and couldn’t have been less interested in connection or intimacy. I don’t want to do that again.
(4) Flirtatious Leads
Probably due in part to the, I guess, trauma response of the marriage… I don’t want ambiguous or uncertain exchanges. If you’re openly flirty, making suggestions of things “in the future” in a way that indicates wanting to see me and/or wanting to experience me? I’m going to prioritize those people because they are openly communicating something to investigate. I know it was probably because there hadn’t been a connection; but the only reason I think Cassie tried to kiss me the last time we were out is because of how her head angled and neck moved. There was no discussion, there was no “this is the right moment”, there was no.... lead up. And while everyone is bad at flirting and everyone is bad at interpreting flirting- even so much as a hand on an arm or something can communicate flirtation in the right setting.
So.... ultimately… why do “trainwrecks” usually get me?
My terrible self-esteem prevents me from being with people who have it figured out and don’t need someone’s help. My ideas and expectations regarding physical intimacy indicate that if I respect a person too much, I’m not likely to be able to change the relationship into one of intimacy. Though, flirty trainwrecks who need me.... seem to have a direct line.
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