I have been checking out from the internet. Lord knows I have put a lot of effort into finding new friends online, hoping that the connections would extend to real life, but it has not happened. My discouragement has lead to me deciding that it’s just easier to be lonely.
Easier, but not painless. I have a great partner, and I enjoy quality time with him, but other than that, I don’t have friends that I spend time with. There are a few very important people in my life that I have met online, who will be lifelong friends, but people are busy with their own lives, and I don’t have any expectations when it comes to them.
When others do reach out, it feels like a lifeline that I want to grab onto. It provides reassurance and validation that I truly AM a likeable person, whom others enjoy being around. But there is nothing quite like going on adventures with my people.
I have developed failure to thrive here in Los Angeles. And if I am going to be friendless, I think I would rather be in Vancouver, WA. A short drive from Portland, OR. where weirdos reign supreme. Closer to Zoe in Seattle. My closest real life friend bought a house in Portland. Another close friend, Marc, lives there too. Rick has a good friend in Vancouver, who is an artist like Rick, and also a musician.
I just think I would be better off there. But that future is uncertain at best, and I can do little more than work on manifesting what I want.
I manifested this life, here in Los Angeles. It took well over ten years to reach this point, and I feel like I am squandering all that the universe provided. But I am NOT happy or fulfilled here. I desperately WANT to be happy here and thrive, but I have come to the conclusion that it is just not possible.
I am not physically healthy enough to do things like museum tours, or walking in the many botanic gardens here. Mentally and emotionally, I am awkward at best. When I do meet new people, I blow it by being anxious and weird. I have met numerous friends of Rick, and think that I come off as odd to them. I have been striving my entire life to curate a cool group of artistic friends, but so far, I have failed at making my own connections not tied to Rick and his standing friendships.
He met his best friend when they were FIVE. He has many friends like that. I do not.
No family beyond Zoe.
It’s easier to just stay largely friendless. You can’t be hurt if there is no one to hurt you. There isn’t the threat of rejection if you don’t put yourself out there. No cancelled plans. No drama. No pain.
That doesn’t mean I don’t miss having others in my life. Everything feels hollow most of the time. Sadness and grief are always right at the surface of my life. I have tried to tackle it in therapy, but it feels like there’s a lesson in this loop that I am just not getting, some knowledge I am meant to come to, but it’s always out of reach. I have visited and re-visited this numerous times, to no avail.
Anyway, enough screaming into the void. I have reselling stuff to attend to. I keep procrastinating on listing things that could bring in decent money, but I hesitate because these items are not things that are within my wheelhouse of expertise or interest. But we DESPERATELY need money. Rick’s unemployment runs out next week, and so far, there are no concrete opportunities for him.
I am anxious and scared about our finances. The only way we are eating right now is thanks to the food pantry. I am so thankful for that resource.
I just wish everything was not such a struggle. It gets harder and harder to fight.
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