Today was… well… it was a full day. If I were kinder to myself, I would probably go ahead and call it productive but.... that would be out of character. Not enough got done and nothing of personal importance was accomplished (arguably) but… full day.
I woke up, took a shower, gave myself a proper beard trim. Gathered my papers and went to do my taxes. I itemized last year. They doubled the amount that would make it worth it; so I did not itemize this year as it wouldn’t benefit me. Which ultimate boils down to… the refund from Fed and State was just a little more than the cost of Tax Prep. STILL… the system persists. I’m an attorney and have a friend who is a tax lawyer and I still go to H&R Block despite it being the exact reason our tax code is fucked up. Their lobbyists (their industry’s lobbyists, I should say) spend a LOT of money and influence to keep the tax code complicated, weird, and difficult… the wealthy send a lot of money and influence to make sure any and all audits are done to the middle class and lower income citizenry… and the American Public’s inherent mistrust of the government prevents our system from properly being “If the government knows how much you need to pay, they should just send a bill- not make you guess it and hope you’re right.” But even with all of that? Yes. I still take my taxes to H&R Block because it is worth avoiding the headache and the paperwork to me.
After that, knowing it was going to be a long day between meals (or with nothing to eat), I loaded Nala in the car and went to Taco Bell for a big lunch. Ate it all up! Then went to rehearsal. Today was a dancing focused rehearsal. Meaning… completely re-doing several of the songs we need to re-do based on People and Space. In one song? WOW. We’d only ever done it once so many of us could barely remember it to begin with. THEN the Chorographer kind of went “Oh.... when we did this, it was Ensemble but this song needs FULL Company. I wonder why I didn’t have that on the schedule then? Oh well. Just fill in for now and we’ll adapt.” Which… triggers me on two points. First: You are THE choreographer. This isn’t a team, you don’t have a partner, this isn’t miscommunication. HOW are you not aware of who needs to be in which dances? Here’s how you do it: Check the script, check the music. If they sing or speak, they need to be included as part of the dance. From there you fill in whether anyone else needs to be added. This Choreographer has done other shows before. How is this not the process she uses to determine who needs to be involved in the choreography? Second: “Fill in for now and we’ll adapt” is the most offensive way to resolve the issue. EITHER (a) start from the beginning, integrating the new dancers into a modified formation OR (b) do the entire dance with new dancers watching, then put new dancers into any holes that exist or any stage areas that need coverage. The concept “We’ll wing it” bothers me immensely! Especially when there are still sections of the show we haven’t choreographed or rehearsed and especially when you are putting dancers on stage who don’t know STEP ONE let alone any of the dance. It seems needlessly chaotic at best and negligently cruel at worst. The song with the most significant change (the 7 new people) basically pushed me across the stage entirely meaning that instead of a full segment being “run to position, take two steps forward, two steps to the left, then do a quick quick slow step into a creepy position near center stage” that whole thing turned into “run to new position, take two steps backwards. stay in place. clump a little. try and move with this whole half of the stage but I don’t know on which beat. We’ll figure it out.” Can you see how that change somewhat bothers me?
Now… to be fair… I typically have… issues.... with our choreographers. And I always love them as people and as creative artists and… I get along with choreographers. I count them among my “theater friends” (which ultimately means… people I will generally acknowledge warmly in public). But in a show I always wind up having some kind of issue that boils down to “Be organized. Understand music. Know who you need. Have a plan.” But considering how much it upsets me, I’m trying to figure out how much of a ME issue (thus an issue from my past) that it might be! I acknowledge that my body not doing what I’m asking it to do is particularly triggering for me… I had a lot of training, but that was legitimately in a different body! So… when my body doesn’t do what I tell it to, it triggers that. Having massive chunks of choreography changed on the fly significantly increases the likelihood that my body will not do what I am asking it to do. TRIGGER. Further, I’m definitely a planning guy. In theater, I’m not asking that every step be blocked (meaning planned) to the quintillionth of an inch. If your blocking style is “Go here, say this” and that’s it? I can dig it. DANCE CHOREOGRAPHY CANNOT BE THAT “chill.” Dance Choreography is shit like “On beat 2, step with your left foot, on beat three raise your right arm, on beat four bring your right foot parallel to your left foot”. It needs to be like that because we’re talking in music, beats per measure, there’s some precision inherent to the damned thing. And that comes from my dance training and cello training. So… TRIGGER there. And that is the persistent mess that I run into. Because it is never precise in these choreographers. Beauty and the Beast (love Carrie though I do and hope she is loving life as a new mom)… she admitted she “didn’t think in music.” YOU’RE A DANCER, YOUR EDUCATION IS IN DANCE. HOW DO YOU NOT THINK IN MUSIC? Current Choreographer? Doesn’t know lyrics, or what measure things happen on, or at what part of the underscoring we’re supposed to do or go where. And that… that is just.... my significant difference in training. When I was growing up? We were put into cloth sacks and zipped in to teach us “big moves and precise poses”. I come from “If half the room is in the air and the other half hasn’t jumped yet; we’re going to make the half that hasn’t jumped yet do this sequence twenty times before we move on! We all move together or we all look foolish together!” So the modern repeat of “It doesn’t have to be in time or with everyone else, that can just be part of the chaotic aesthetic we’re trying to cultivate” feels like an excuse to me. You can create “chaos” and “precision.” IN FACT, wise dancers would say “Precisely planned moves that look like chaos is infinitely safer for the dancers.” WHICH.... yes, that is a writing transition.
Remember how I said it is/was pretty stupid to choreograph the show without knowing WHO or WHERE or HOW MUCH SPACE? Largely because of the big staircase that is now directly in the center of most of what was originally choreographed? TWO actors ate it today. The oldest of us… so when he fell, he stayed down for a while and it took 7 of us to help him into a chair, which is where he spent the rest of rehearsal. And the fucking star. If Sweeney goes down, we’re all fucked! Can you see why I’m annoyed? OH… and that’s just the staircase. We haven’t even removed the down-center portion of the stage which will be removed for the entire show. SO… giant pit in the center that we’re.... “trying to keep in mind as we re-block and re-choreo”..... again.... I am worried for people’s safety! We had to re-build, re-choreo, and “entirely create” so much that the rehearsal went over time by a full hour.
Those of us who were going to the Roller Derby for National Anthem and Half-Time Show went to the green room. The Director had bought cheese and fruit as a Green Room Snack but many people went out to get fast food. I stayed behind to get to know the actors a little better. The Director and I also spoke a little. Our relationship has… been an interesting one. After my very first Shakespeare performance, he called me to ask me to do a Staged Reading for him. I gave it serious thought, but I was still living an hour away and had to decline. From that day, he seemed somewhat cold to me, so I always thought he didn’t like me. But we’ve worked together since and… I think we’re both just weird, lol. He doesn’t pry or get overly buddy buddy and I’m constantly trying to hold a professional air regarding theater work. But when we’re working a show, we get along famously as we’re both focused on making the show the best that we can. I somewhat brought up how everyone is curious who will actually be killed in the show as.... we open in around 20 days and nobody seems to have that information. The Director mentioned something that… I hadn’t realized. The men playing NAMED characters have facial hair. I am the only Ensemble cast member that has facial hair!! Oh shit, I honestly hadn’t realized that! The Director said he’d already had ideas to play with that. There was a reason he set up Pirelli’s Contest the way that he did. I’m the Londoner who sits for Pirelli… so as he is singing instead of shaving- getting out of his chair with my facial hair still very much present makes a better and more clear visual. He hadn’t decided yet, but he’s been strongly considering carrying that narrative thread through. That my character, upset with Pirelli for not providing the shave, goes to see Todd and… instead of Todd shaving me, he slits my throat and sends me down the chute. FRANKLY- YES PLEASE. Not because “I want more to do” in the show, not because “I want more attention” but because that’s how MY theater brain thinks, too! Every actor on stage is a character, every character exists as someone/something deeper than “just to serve this role in the show.” Take that concept and analyze my specific solo moments in the various Ballads throughout the show. My two biggest (at least parts of them)? “He kept a shop in London town. With fancy clients and good renown. And what if none of their souls were saved, they went to their maker impeccably shaved”..... and later.... “He saw how civilized men behaved, he never forgot and he never forgave”......... so my character NOT being shaved before being killed and being ended looking less than civilized has an extra layer of dark humor to it. The stupid, minor, ridiculous shit nobody else ever thinks about......... and the Director, at least in some fashion, is actually considering shit like that. It’s nice to know. PLUS… it would be kind of cool to be killed in this show, lol. I don’t think I’ve been successfully murdered in a show since The Crucible. I’ve been in many shows since then where my character has had an attempt on his life (or more than one) or almost died of a heart attack but recovered… but actual death has been awhile, lol.
Then it was time to go to Roller Derby. Prior to going up, we found a quiet place in the arena to warm up and rehearse. And in that space, I was even complimented on my volume and pitch for my solo… which was needed and appreciated! We entered the arena and did the Anthem and it sounded amazing. I don’t know why we ever do the Anthem without proper SATB parts but it sure sounds a lot better that way! We then took to the stands and watched the first half of the match.
I’ll admit, I’m a guy. But I’m still me (in every way). Which means the first “odd” thought that came into my head was “I don’t think I’ve been in a room with this many women who I’m not prosecuting for at least a decade. Maybe more.” Which… frankly… says a lot, doesn’t it? I mean, yeah- I did the Speed Dating thing in the last five years, which put me in a room with 20 women that I was not actively prosecuting. But if that is a recent record? That says a LOT! So… yeah. It’s not that I don’t realize it but I remembered that… yeah, if you aren’t where women are… you’re not going to have a lot of successful encounters with women.... that’s just how logic works. And now analyzing that thought, I also realize how it… technically… is super stupid and not true. Because that discounts EVERY audience that has ever come to one of my shows and/or EVERY audience that I’ve been a part of seeing shows. So… while that was the thought I had… it was a stupid and inaccurate thought.
Second Very ME thought? I was watching the various women in the match, on the bench, the coaches, the players on Injured Reserve… all of that. So OF COURSE I saw one that.... man, if I said this in person I’d be in a lot of trouble. But.... seriously… if you asked me to “build a woman” I have maybe 2 or 3 templates I would use. THIS PARTICULAR WOMAN was one of those templates! Tall, muscular… like cut… athletic true Ginger with a nerdy vibe… like… long super orange hair (natural orange, not Fanta Orange) with freckles on her face, neck, and cut arms/shoulders; wearing silver/transparent glasses. I’m not too shy to admit in this space, she was my absolute definition of hot… like Victoria on her best day plus more/better!! And… because it is me… and because I am in my 40s… and because this was Roller Derby… that thought alone was enough. I didn’t ask anyone who she was, I didn’t make any moves to indicate interest or pursuit… it wouldn’t have been appropriate. She’s… clearly vastly out of my league, I’m likely exceptionally too old and fat for her, there’s no guarantee that she’s single/straight/non-Ace.... it would have been foolish, embarrassing, and inappropriate. But… yeah. Definitely… if I were a younger, better man!
I then spent the first half talking to some of the people in the cast. Of the ones that are married? They all met their spouse in school or on apps. And the ones that met on apps? Were women out of state visiting the state; or were matched before they moved to Iowa. SO.... that certainly seems to track!!
As the first half came to an end, we gathered again to discuss Half Time Show. And trust me: UH OH. The Conductor was going up to the press box to announce us and play the music over the Arena Sound System. If you understand acoustics, you see why this is a problem. If you understand live music, you may see an entirely separate problem. As a soloist, I instantly saw BOTH problems. (1) We aren’t going to be able to hear the track. At all. And we can’t rely on our ears to make sure we’re keeping proper tempo/time/etc. Not with ARENA acoustics. (2) If our conductor is in the Press Box… who the fuck is conducting us? The answer being: NOBODY. SOoooOOOoooooOOO.... shit like..... indicating our cues to come in.... keeping us all on the same beat… the reasons we have a conductor.... we’re just going to...... okay, okay, Wild West this shit, sure!
To make matters worse? That also meant that our conductor was far away from us… as we attempted to get to our spot on the court. But… the women skating certainly weren’t “just making room” or anything. And we weren’t going to get in their way, we’re guests here! So.... even getting to where we needed to be was a delayed, unnecessarily complicated event. Then, you go back to add the Acoustics and Lack of Conductor again? And of course I fucked up. Massively. The crowd couldn’t hear us as we (the singers) weren’t mic’d in any way.... so.... imagine a group of people singing in the center of a concrete arena with ZERO sound amplification..... but as we couldn’t hear the music and couldn’t rely on our ears for timing.... I think I said “The demon barber of fleet street” two and a half times and still never got it on the right beat. But we performed our little thing and half of us left, while I and the other half stayed to watch the rest of the Roller Derby. I was able to pick up scoring, team structure, strategy, all of it pretty quickly. So it was fun to share that with people still trying to understand and to cheer with the regulars because I saw what they saw. Though… again, going back to this being ME.... one of the women in the second half was wearing fishnets under her short shorts, knee pads, and skates. SO… I was watching her skating pretty closely!
After the match ended (Home Team won by a LOT), we were told that Sunday’s Rehearsal was cancelled on account of Blizzard Warnings for our area. With that in mind, I decided I needed to grab some things so I headed to the store. On the way there, I also realized that Nala hadn’t had a lot of Dog Park Time this weekend and… last weekend at 5 hours.... if she wasn’t going to get any Dog Park Time this weekend, I needed to provide for her physical and mental stimulation. So I headed to Pet Smart as well. I first grabbed a few bags of Training Treats so I could put them in her stimulation toys. She’s outsmarted them a dozen dozen times; but her throwing a toy around to grab the treats is at least something. I then, also, saw the new design for Zombie Treats. That isn’t their company name. They are Everlast Dog Treats with Enrichment Toy “to keep your dog busy for hours”. I still laugh at the claim; but it had been a long time since I’d bought one for Nala. With the new Toy Design, too, I was hopeful. It was a soft plastic instead of the hard rubber. I’d used the soft plastic before and she liked it but.... the one we’d used before was old, old, old so didn’t provide any challenge as it was loose when we got it. I was hopeful a new soft plastic would provide at least some distraction. After that, I went to the grocery store to get Blizzard Supplies, and returned home.
Nala got two good girl treats for being so good for a full 9 hours and then I unloaded the car into the refrigerator and put Nala’s Petsmart bag into the Treats and Food room. Both for my comfort and to send the message that, “No, we aren’t going to the dog park at 10:15 pm on a Saturday night”, I decided to change into what other people call Pajamas. I don’t sleep in clothes, but I have various sweat pants combinations that, worn without a shirt, indicate to Nala that we’re staying home until we wake up in the morning.
As I changed clothes, I started trying to find pitches again, pleased with the fact that I was able to do it prior to singing The Anthem. As I let out slow, steady pitches- it turned into this song that felt… it was like an Irish Dirge and I could have sworn this wasn’t original but I couldn’t find it anywhere:
You don’t know the sorrow
of what I have been through
You don’t know the sorrow
of what I’m going to do.
You don’t know the pity
the pity I feel for you
You don’t know the pity
of what’s been done to you.
BUT oh well. Then I got one of Nala’s presents (the Modified Zombie Treat). And she started crying, so as I opened it, I said: “Would I show you a gift I got for you and not actually give it to you? I’m genuinely asking here, because I might have done that and I don’t remember.” But as she got super excited, she and I danced downstairs as I sang: (in an adaptation of Step in Time)
Downstairs time, downstairs time
Nala loves her downstairs time
Downstairs time, downstairs time
I have a gift for Nala.
Which… I then realized is probably a really good sign. I used to sing a lot more. I was the kid who would sing on his way home from school as a way to cope with the big emotions of being bullied and feeling isolated. I was always one of those kids to whom children would say, “I don’t like musicals! They aren’t realistic!” and I’d find that so strange. Of course they’re realistic! Wait.... other people don’t suddenly burst into song for fun or to express big emotions? Is this… not what other children do?! But the reality is… I’ve not been like that for many years. Hell, honestly - when was the last time I even so much as wrote a poem for this space? I used to write poems all the freaking time. Hell, my most award winning poem was drafted on a bus the morning of submission describing Central Park at Night.... when I’ve never even been to New York ever. This is just.... who I used to be! So… it was kind of nice to clock myself singing and inventing and being in that headspace again. For however long it lasts!
Poor Nala. The Zombie Treat is genuinely challenging her and she keeps looking at me and crying! Like… “WHY IS THIS NOT WORKING?!” Looks like the adjustment was a good idea! See, before… when we first bought them and gave them their name… they were BIG Everlast Treats surrounded by HARD RUBBER and at first, it took Nala an hour or two to properly finish with it. But she realized that the HARD RUBBER could be damaged. So… every time we would get her a new Everlast for the toy… she would chew or claw new slits into the hard rubber center. Essentially turning each toy into less and less of an effective deterrent to gobbling up the treat. She wound up getting the whole process down to less than 12 minutes! So… I stopped buying the Everlast treats. THIS design, as I may have explained earlier, is soft malleable plastic. So even as she claws it and bites at it, it doesn’t chip away. So she has to just keep licking and licking at the treat until it is small enough that she can put a paw on the toy, get her tooth around the treat (not just the toy) and then pry from there. She’s still too damned smart so the moment she saw that crying at me didn’t get the treat out for her… it took her maybe another 10 minutes tops to get the treat out of the toy. But it was still worth it if it challenged her enough to get her to cry at me. None of her current toys really challenge her mentally and I don’t want to neglect that part of her. It’s unique in how she is an intelligent dog and… actual happiness comes from comfort and challenge provided that challenge is surmountable.
She and I played until she stopped running around, took a big breath through her nose, then sprinted back upstairs. To sit in front of the Food and Treats door. Silly Nala. No. You have to wait! lol.
PHOTO IS FROM THE ROLLER DERBY EVENT; SHARED AS IT WAS PLASTERED ON MULTIPLE SOCIAL MEDIA AND PROFESSIONAL PUBLIC RELATIONS SPACES
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