For the first time in a long time, I was really quite scared, disturbed, etc. I can no longer remember the detail of the dream, which for me is quite unusual. What I remember is that I was in a vulnerable position or needy in some way. And I was with a friend and group who I relied on. And at a very critical moment, in a juncture of something I needed for survival or well-being, the face of the man who was helping me changed into a vicious snarl, and I knew he would torture and punish me.
I woke with that fright, or more accurately became lucid within my dream because of the fright. I pointed my little finger at the man/person who had suddenly turned antagonistic, as in the Castaneda book “The Art of Dreaming”. The figure disappeared entirely. With it, my fright slowly dispated and I was left with a sort of awareness of swirling energy that no longer had any anchor. I felt confused, but very lucid and aware. I can’t say what happened, because I don’t understand it or have words to describe or make sense of it.
Soon a calm came over me, far more deep and pleasant than even before the fright, and I drifted into dream again.
This morning I have an unusual amount of energy. It is the blind intuition of my spleen which guides me. I checked my bunnies, one doe had her kits in the best box and one was messing around throwing the shavings out of her box. I got a cup of chopped straw and dumped it in her box. She immediately hopped in and started nesting.
I went in and took a shower. I did a cord- cutting meditation on my dad. Afterward, I felt a freedom. Like I could look and see what I wanted, without any kind of lense. I realized that I focus on and get so empathetically with other people that I can only visualize how I can act or behave or make decisions in relation to that person. It is so strong and so overpowering to my awareness that my own self is totally eclipsed. After the cord cutting, I immediately saw my own dreams, wants and desires come into view without relation to my dad. The stark contrast between my perception in relation to what he wants, needs or desires, this personal clarity was breathtaking. It is like having an objective observation of how my life gets taken over. And it is so insidious. I never realized it was happening in this way.
And I don’t think I would have had the energy percieve this if I hadn’t somehow gained the energy from dreaming the night before.
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