I suppose this is an honest request for advice as much as it is additional moaning about how the hand of fate seems to be a cruel bitch.
Do you remember my previous experiences in therapy?
Marriage Counselor Number One: “The marriage problems you’re facing are entirely your wife’s fault and if she doesn’t choose to change nothing will improve.”
Marriage Counselor Number Two: “Well, we would never say it is entirely one person’s fault, of course, but it does sound like the Husband is miserable and expressing unmet needs and the Wife is responding that she doesn’t see why she should care.”
Better Help Therapist 1: Your job sounds toxic af and if your entire life is miserable right now but you can get a better job- do that.
Personal Therapist 1: We’re essentially co-workers and I have no sense of nuance or empathy but if sex is a massive issue in your marriage, just take your wife! She probably just wants you to be more assertive!
Better Help Therapist 2: I know the divorce and covid are especially playing on serious aspects of abandonment that you’re facing, but I’m leaving the state so BYE
Better Help Therapist 3: I appreciate that you feel you have mental health challenges, but I think you could see significant improvement if you just prayed more and included Jesus more into your life.
Better Help Therapist 4: I know I was only assigned to you last week; but I’m leaving the state so BYE
Better Help Therapist 5: Listen… when you’re in a show, you seem exceptionally even keel. Which tells me that your intellectualizing may be a problem; but you are able to self-regulate and live a healthy life. You just need to embrace the parts of your life that bring you joy. So, I don’t think you need any more therapy from me. And also I’m leaving the state in a few months, so BYE!
And that has been my therapy experience since 2013! Well, with everything going on lately- I wanted to fix that. I searched HARD for someone I could see in person.... nobody is taking new clients, they are all entirely booked, the Therapist Shortage in Iowa is fucking intense for lots and lots of reasons.... not least among them, the disdain Iowa Politicians seem to feel for Mental Health generally!! Also explains why so many of my therapists left the fucking state between 2020 and 2021!!! (as Better Help Therapist 2 through 5 were all within THAT time frame!!)
So.... after nearly 37 hours, BetterHelp said that they had someone in Iowa who they could pair me up with. I have not accepted yet. The Counselor sent me a message saying that they would love to work with me but the only “new clients” she is accepting are Text Chat or Text Message clients ONLY. EX-SQUEEZE ME?! A BAKING POWDER?! How in the fuck are you going to do a job where emotional content is important when you are neither SEEING the patient nor HEARING their voice??? I may (though may not) be a good writer… but how in the fuck are you going to accurately interpret thus counsel statements like “today was okay. lots of work stuff. had rehearsal.” ON THE PAGE does that read depressed? apathetic? anxious? upset? ecstatic? HOW IN THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING TO GIVE PROPER THERAPY WHEN THERE IS NO EMOTIONAL CONTENT PRESENT?!
But as my life since the divorce has proven… it is very likely “this or nobody. or at least nobody for a while!” which.... yes, stating it that way does reflect the exact scenario that can be said about dating since the divorce as well...... perhaps you’re picking up on that theme regarding fate being a cruel bitch? As Fate it seems wants to repeatedly remind me that, since the divorce… nobody wants to hear my emotional bullshit… at least not for long anyway. No, not even if you pay them! So, I’m stuck wondering… do I agree to “work” with this therapist and at least… try Text Chat Therapy? Or do I politely decline and say, “I’m sorry. Frankly, if that’s all you can give me I don’t see why I shouldn’t do the insane thing and simply use a Generative AI service as Therapy. That would be text chat, too, and I wouldn’t have to pay for the disrespect! This is therapy not Study Hall 2011. If you can’t respect the process enough to even do a fucking telephone call therapy..... what do you really offer that can’t be found via Live Journal or Prosebox for God’s sake!?”
So… that’s where I am right now. SERIOUSLY considering telling this so-called professional to fuck off (and maybe reconsider her “new patients” policy if that’s what she thinks is acceptable) but… not sure. Because if I can’t find anybody else.... well… that whole problem is a part of why I’m seeking therapy right now in the first fucking place!!
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