Dear God,
The new guy I mentioned earlier said that I reminded him of someone in their 20s rather than someone in their 40s. I knew he was only temporary in my life and that I didn’t really want to continue speaking with him, but I did want to hear his thoughts—at least until it became too much.
While we were on the phone, I was packing. He suddenly asked, “What are you doing? What is that noise?”
“I’m packing,” I said.
He replied, “Because you’re new, I didn’t hang up, but normally I would have hung up by now.”
“Why? What do you hear?” I asked.
“Well, what are you doing?” he asked again.
“I’m packing,” I repeated.
“Packing what?” he exclaimed.
“My things,” I answered.
“Well, it sounds like a lot of crumbling. I would have hung up by now,” he complained.
Earlier in the conversation he had said he wished he could see me. I reminded him that I was packing and politely told him I would be studying until 1.
“1 p.m. or…?” he asked.
“No, 1 a.m.,” I replied.
Looking back now, I realize he was acting snippy because he wanted to see me late at night. Since that wasn’t going to happen, he started acting pouty. In fact, the entire conversation had that tone.
He even brought up something I had shared earlier when we first sat together. I had told him about my dreams and aspirations. Today, it almost sounded like he was about to say that I was too old to still have those dreams, though he seemed to stop himself before saying it outright.
At first, I thought about blocking him. Then I remembered I had already put him on my secondary phone. Instead, I just blocked everyone from my class on my work phone except Tee and John. Tee is a sweet girl and I want to be available if she ever needs me, and John is very smart and helpful.
Right now, I just want to pray that I can get everything together in my life and not feel like I’m behind. I have a lot of energy tonight, but I truly just want all of this information to settle into my mind. Maybe a shower will help. I could shower, put on a facial mask, and study. Or maybe the better option is to shower, go to bed, and wake up early.
That actually sounds like the best plan.
Maybe I can study downstairs tomorrow in case any pursers see me working hard. They’ll see how seriously I’m taking this. I’ll stay situationally aware, drink hot water with tea, and just keep studying.
I do feel a little out of it right now, mostly because part of me wanted to know this man’s opinion of me. He said I had the mindset of someone in their 20s instead of someone in their 40s who has already lived life. He also said I was worrying about the wrong things. “Why does it matter if people like you?” he asked. “Who cares?” His tone became almost incredulous, like he couldn’t believe it was even something I thought about.
“I read lots of self-help books,” he told me.
Then I started thinking. I remembered reading something about people who constantly read self-help books. He travels out of the country every month, he wears fake hair down to his waist, and the more he spoke, the less certain I felt about what his intentions really were.
Eventually I realized he was probably upset that he couldn’t come over and show me how he truly felt. Maybe he thought I was stuck in the mindset of my 20s, still holding on to big dreams and aspirations.
But honestly, this time I truly don’t care anymore.
Father, please help me focus. Let my mind settle. Help me sleep well tonight. Father, please quiet my mind tonight. Remove every distraction, every unnecessary thought, and anything that pulls my attention away from what truly matters. Help me rest deeply so that my mind is clear and ready to learn. Guide my thoughts, strengthen my discipline, and help everything I study settle into my memory. Let me wake up refreshed, focused, and confident in the work I am doing. Amen.
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