Dear God,
I just wrote a prayer that was at least six paragraphs long. I wrote about my dreams and aspirations, but I deleted it all. Then I realized—You already know the desires of my heart.
Right now I’m laying in bed again. Earlier I went downstairs for breakfast: oatmeal, potatoes, sausage, a cheese omelet, apple juice, orange juice, and coffee. I also grabbed a bucket of ice for the day and refilled my water bottles.
Now I can barely move—not because I overate, but because I’m extremely tired. Yesterday I probably slept 10–12 hours, and last night I slept maybe seven. I could easily sleep another hour, and I probably will. I’m just trying to catch up on all the rest I’ve missed since starting this rigorous training program. I want so badly to do exceptionally well.
My dad told me he prayed for 12,000 angels to surround me at all times. That’s a lot of angels. I wonder how that works. What do angels do when they stay with you?
Days have passed since I first wrote this prayer, but I decided not to erase it. I wanted to reflect on how I spent my days, which mostly included resting. So much has happened since then.
I received threats, a drunken phone call, colleagues blocking me—the whole nine. I literally had a 43-year-old woman with two grown kids text me: “Fake bitches get stitches.”
I have to admit—even now I laugh when I think about that comment. I still can’t believe someone said that to me. Maybe it’s because of my kung fu training that I laugh. I know it’s not right, but I’ve always been excited to showcase one of my moves.
I never forgot Selica, my seventh-grade bully, who pushed my books out of my hands while I was minding my own business walking to class.
“Pick it up,” I said.
“Make me,” she replied.
When she lunged forward at me, I side-kicked her in the gut. After that, everyone called me a Power Ranger throughout middle school. I never forgot that moment.
Then I remembered another time in high school. Dominique, Leah, and someone else—I can’t remember who—came by my locker planning to jump me. The whole school gathered around us, just like in middle school. But that time I was smarter. I loudly yelled for the principal—over and over—so everyone would know what was happening in case they laid a hand on me. I wasn’t about to fight three oversized girls when I weighed less than 100 pounds.
When I get back to my hometown, I’m going to join martial arts again. I don’t think I want to do jujitsu though. I’d rather do kung fu or something that focuses on kicks, elbows, and strikes. Especially now that there’s apparently a 43-year-old out there threatening to give me stitches. 😂
I also met a new friend. He’s a really cool guy who travels out of the country once a month. I love how You place the right people in my life at the right time. It always feels like a lesson.
We had sushi together, and he told me something interesting: “Your haters don’t hate you—they LOVE you.”
He said if people think about you, talk about you, try to figure you out, and stay curious about you, then in a strange way they’re showing how much space you occupy in their minds. He said, “They’re loving on you so bad.” He was joking, but I think he meant it in a deeper way.
He even took pictures of me at a place in Riverside called The Mission. It was a lot of fun.
Meanwhile Alex and John are heading there together tonight to eat, and Teresa got sick after hanging out with those kids all day. I know my limits. I never forget how old I am. Don’t get me wrong—I got drunk in Cincinnati—but I also rested afterward. I’m learning from everything. I’m not going backwards anymore.
I did end up drinking again—but only sake, and just a little. I told myself it was to kill bacteria from the sushi. But honestly, I don’t think I’ll do that again. I didn’t even get a buzz from it. It just didn’t feel right bending the rules.
Right after that, I smelled weed. The temptation immediately followed.
“You smell that?” I asked him.
“Yeah, that’s weed,” he said.
I sniffed the air like Pepe Le Pew. One day I hope the smell becomes disgusting to me. Because honestly it does smell like a skunk. Yet at the same time it’s like blood in the water and I’m a shark. But day by day I’ll get there. I’m a creature that no longer smokes or drinks.
Now I need to study. There’s so much to study. I want to be really good tomorrow.
Earlier today I had a study group with Teresa, John, and Alex. Alex started talking right away during the study session, but I didn’t mind. Teresa probably thought I was trying to take over the study group.
Then I told them the conference room costs $150 for two hours.
“Did you pay that?” they asked.
“Sort of. I just really wanted to get out of the room,” I said.
What I didn’t tell them is that You blessed me with a free hour in that room. That’s okay though—we’ll just keep that blessing between us. Thank you for that favor.
Shervy called me just now(during my prayer to You). I love him so much. I never want to lose him. I know the day he falls in love with another woman will be a sad day for me.
Sometimes I wish he could just stay my best friend forever—love me in a way where we never have to kiss or do anything more. But I know that’s unrealistic. He’s a man, and someday he’ll want a wife, a family, and the whole thing. Though honestly, I don’t think he even believes in marriage. He’s afraid someone will take all his money. Lol.
Right now I’m happy because I have four hours. In those four hours I’m going to pack, study, and get ready for bed. I’m going to do everything I can to prepare for my OE. I’m going to give it everything I have to become a flight attendant.
Father, thank You for bringing me this far. Thank You for all the rest I’ve gotten since being here. Thank You for never giving me sleepless nights in these hotels. I thought living out of a suitcase would bother me, but it hasn’t at all.
I love having breakfast made each morning. I love housekeeping. I love talking to You endlessly and feeling like You hear me. I love the lessons I’ve learned.
That guy told me I should never dim my light. But I think sometimes it’s wise to learn from those before you. Sometimes you dim your light for protection.
I’ll shine when it’s meant to be. I’ll shine on stage and in front of the camera. I’ll shine when the moment calls for it.
But around others, I can let them shine. I can sit back. I don’t mind. I don’t always need to be seen or heard—only when it matters.
To me, that’s not dimming my light. It’s preserving my energy. It’s choosing when and where I shine. Not everyone deserves full access to me anymore.
Honestly, I’ve learned so much from my colleagues. This has been one of the best learning experiences of my life.
I learned not to gossip.
I learned not to cry so much.
I learned how stress affects the body.
I learned when to sleep and when to push through.
I learned not to tell everyone your secrets.
I learned to speak only when necessary.
I learned to take notes—all the time.
I learned to stay situationally aware.
I’m learning to listen more… and I still need to work on that.
Most of all, I learned to work hard for the things I want. I have to ask myself: Did I do everything I could do? And then decide whether it’s time to rest.
I’m getting tired again. Maybe I need some coffee. I pray I can stay awake for the next four hours so I can do everything I need to do.
I’m going to pack my suitcase, lay out my uniform, learn the demo, study everything I need for tomorrow, and then go to sleep.
Tomorrow I’ll wake up at 8:30 a.m. so I can catch breakfast before it ends at 9. Then I’ll review everything I packed, study some more, and hopefully take a quick nap before getting dressed in my flight attendant uniform and heading to my final exam.
I’m so nervous.
But I know studying will calm my nerves. My nervousness comes from uncertainty. I want to know everything. Please help me remember everything, Father.
I really want to do well.
In Jesus’ name,
Amen.
Loading comments...