I experience big ones and little ones.
Today, I am aware of a particularly big one.
I remember falling sleep to the somewhat troubling conundrum of my unconscious habits. Most poignantly surrrounding my family of origin, of course.
I had received a text from my dad that he wants to open to a dialogue, but I promptly forgot about it. I haven’t responded. I have realize that I have a hard time even acknowledging the fact that he sent the text. It is an entirely out-of-character thing for my dad to say. My mind finds it easier to ignore that which doesn’t fit into it’s habitual sense of percieving. In fact, if my dad is not an overgrown 2-year-old, then I have no clue who he is. And I suppose that it’s much easier not to think about.
This morning I observed myself feel highly annoyed by my husband’s attention seeking behavior. He is sick, and not just sick, but a big stinky mess that needs to announce and complain at length about every little twinge and upset. He starts up a conversation -as if it’s something so very important - and starts to give me the rundown on his symptoms.
And I notice that I really want to ignore him to just not hear this diatribe about his trivial effluence. Figuratively and literally. But I was aware of my own annoyance, my judgements, my wish for it to just stop and my willingness to actually cut off part of my awareness that was connected to this situation. And it’s very similar to forgetting about my dad’s text.
In a way, I accept only the historical sadistic character of my dad and only an idealized character of my husband. Their other traits which they act out in front of me that contradict or contrast too glaringly with these characters is ignored. Not just ignored, but actually the awareness of the perception is actively negated.
Except, I guess. Not anymore. Not today, anyway. Today I have become aware of it for whatever reason. I have stepped into a perceptual awareness of manipulating my relationships. And the world is far more strange.
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