During the phone call from the ICU they informed me that although I’m the emergency contact, I am not the next of kin. That would fall to his daughters, but they are both under the age of 18. His ex wife is also not the person who can make end of life decisions. So it falls on my father. They don’t know how to contact him, so it fell to me. They let me know that without the next of kin, they can’t really do much, they can start some of the process but there’s a very real risk that he may be brain dead.
I understood. To me my brother died that day, Feb 28th. However I went through the motions. I first contacted my dad and let him know what was happening, gave him the number to the ICU so he could start making decisions. I then contacted the rest of the family, informed them of what I knew.
I was just numb. In a way my brother had died years ago, we had just been waiting for it to be… final. He was never the same once he joined the military. And later once he got really heavy into the pills he got way worse. He told me that he couldn’t be around his daughters because he was so worried that he would hurt them, he told me some of the things he had done while he was in Iraq and Iran, he had nightmares all the time about killing women and children. He was almost court martialed for things, but because it was proven that he was ‘following orders’ nothing came of it. But he came back a broken person. The VA just gave him pills and told him to suck it up.
I could go on about how this country treats it’s troops and the people who get pushed to the side but… there’s no point. It doesn’t matter.
After contacting everyone in the family, I just kind of sat there. I didn’t know what to do. My back was still hurting, it was painful to sit or stand or lie down. I set up a doctor’s appointment, then went to work. Told them that I had a family emergency on top of my back. The first shift boss gave me the info to contact their Short Term disability person. They explained the steps and let me know what to do next. I wrote it all down b/c i couldn’t remember anything.
A friend of mine stepped in and offered to buy plane tickets for me to go to Texas, which is good because there was no way I could make it there on my own.
Scott was declared brain dead a few days later. They were going to pull the plug, we changed the flights to coincide with going down there. Ashley insisted on going and that I should go early so I could see Scott. She didn’t get it that he was already gone, i’d said my goodbyes to him years before. But I agreed. we set the times.
Then we find out Scott was a organ donor. which means they can’t pull the plug yet, they have to get his body in ‘the best shape’ they can, flush his system and what not so his organs can go to someone.
I saw my doctor and he said it was probably something but they weren’t sure, so they sent me to a physical therapist, because that’s the first step before insurance agrees i’m injured. However they made it clear if I missed any of the appointments I would lose my Short Term.
The funeral got moved from a Tuesday to the following Saturday. I had already got a hotel and flights out there, gotten Seth out of school, ashley had took days off work etc. I scheduled the therapy for the day after we got back, but now the funeral got moved. If I missed the appointment we were screwed, but didn’t have a choice. So we went down. The flights and walking around the terminal were excruciating. No pain killers helped, smoking weed, nothing. The doctor gave me lidocaine patches, They didn’t work either.
While there my dad asked me to contact my mom because no one else could get ahold of her. I hadn’t spoken to her in years after her last blow up and writing off everyone. So I tried calling. no answer. Tried calling every day 2 or 3 times. No answer. I eventually filled up the voicemail box. Still nothing. I also tried texting. No response. After trying for 5 days, we gave up. My dad said they just wanted to make sure that she couldn’t come back later and throw a fit, I’m sure she would have tried.
Seth had already missed a lot of school for the year, and it was his last year of high school so we had to get him back, Ashley had only taken off the original days, before we changed the flights. (not sure why she made the decision with her sister that they would pick the flight dates and such, when i’m the only one who knew what was going on but whatever). So she left after a few days, it was just Seth and I. Which is nice since he’s never really met all the people from my family.
We came back on a Thursday, Seth had to be back at school the next day for finals, I had to be at the physical therapist the next day or forfeit my job/disability. We arrived at 1am in Kentucky, Seth lived an hour away so I had to drive him back, Ashley met us at the airport, but she had to be at work at 7 am, so I dropped her off at her sisters, where we were staying, and then drove Seth home.
As we put our things in the car at the airport, I receive a phone call. It’s my mother. Letting me know that she was just contacted by the Austin PD to let her know that her son had died. And did I know anything about it. I told her we had been calling her for a week and sending messages. The funeral was tomorrow if she wanted to go and I would send her the information again since she apparently didn’t get it.
The next few minutes were her yelling at me and letting me know what a liar I was and how pathetic it was that I would hide her only “REAL” son’s death from her and how I probably was planning on stealing everything from him so she got nothing. I let her yell and scream for a while. When she didn’t get the reaction she wanted she started ‘wailing’ on the phone about her baby boy and how much I must hate her to not tell her anything.
Years ago I learned the ‘grey rock’ technique for my mother. Nothing you say matters, she has a narrative in her head and nothing you do or say will change it. I let her go on for another minute or two and said, “Aleah, I don’t have time for this. I’ll send you the information and who you can contact about Scott’s “stuff” that you are so worried about. Have a nice night.”
And I hung up. I texted her the information about Scott’s Memorial service, ironically she called me from the same number i’d been texting and calling.
After I sent her the information she sent me a response saying that she didn’t believe I had ever contacted her with the information and that I wasn’t her son.
We haven’t spoken since, and her half assed attempts to say happy birthday to me on the wrong day (and month) have gone un answered. She still talks to my other brother every so often, and he asks me to reach out to her on occasion. Don’t get this twisted, he’s not doing it because he wants us to be family again or anything. He just doesn’t want to deal with her and everyone in the family usually directs her to me to deal with. Since I have refused now they have to deal with her and they don’t like it.
I took Seth home arrived around 2:30 am. Turned around and drove back to Kentucky and got there around 4. Went to bed then woke up early to get to the therapy appointment.
That’s enough for now.
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