A Tad Bit Down Saturday, August 20, 2005
The actual act of writing is soothing to me. The actual feel of the pen to the paper helps me relax. Watching the clear white paper fill with black marks forming words, letters, and my actual thoughts makes me slowly ease back to feeling as though I can live in the world again. As long as I can let the words in my head get out and dance upon paper, then I will be able to be myself.
Days go by that I feel as though I cannot keep myself from drowning. However, it is never something I can prepare for. One minutes I am walking down a road, and the next minute I find myself alone hundreds of miles from any kind of land surrounded by an angry sea. No matter how hard I try to keep myself on the sturdy street, I always seem to end up falling into the sea. Some days I curse God for not giving me warning. Some days I curse myself for letting it happen again. Somedays I just wish I would let myself drown.
I often hear words in my head. Hundreds of words bouncing around inside repeating themselves with out a chance of escaping. It can make me literally stop cold in my tracks so that I can try to figure if what I heard was me or inside me. When I fgure out it was inside me I know I must find pen and paper to let them out. The words do not stop repeating until I let them free.
My mind is like a tree branch. It grows and gets stronger every day. Then one day someone will come by and snap that tree branch right in half. *snap!* All that growning and strengthening gone in one weak moment. What's left? The question of should I gather the strength up again to regrow this branch or let it completely die becomes of great importance. Every time I have chose to regrow that branch. This time, I am not so sure what to do. I can't get past the feeling that if I grow it, it will just get snapped again. However, if I grow it again it will be stronger this time and not as easily snapped. Nonetheless, it will still be snapped.
I am officially tired. My date with C went well. I learned a lot from him tonight. I learned some very valuable things. I am just too tired to write about them in here right now. I will write about it soon I hope. C is a very smart man. Very educated and sometimes makes me feel a bit inferrior. However, he seems to like me anyway.
It's almost 3am. I am obviously a bit down. Something happened today that I just can't force myself to understand. It angers me a bit, but alas, I don't have the energy to think about it. It's weighing on my mind. I'll try to write about that too. Now I am off to bed. Thanks for reading.
Her
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