Where do I even start? The year is almost over. My relationship is over. Hopefully my depression is over.
I ended my relationship with the guy who was perfect. Ok he wasn’t perfect. No one is. But I broke up with him because I just was not ready. I was conflicted. It was too much too fast. Too much stress. I was prepared for him to yell at me and hate me. But he was the great guy he is and understood. He was probably perfect for me. But I jumped too fast. I’m a work in progress.
My ex is back in my life. Again. For now? Who really knows. We are attempting a friendship but I am focusing on me. He got me reading this book. I wish I could remember the title but I’m too lazy to check the kindle. He had asked me to read it while we were together. I was annoyed and probably depressed and thought he was making me read some self help book and that just isn’t me. After another lengthy argument/conversation he mentioned again that I read it.
It’s not self help as I had thought. It’s a philosophy book. I’ve always felt philosophy was over my head. Or maybe I was afraid of the deeper thoughts. Anyways. I realize I’m reading philosophy and I panic because how am I going to understand this? There are words and ideas splashed around the page and I’m trying to make sense of them. I’m stressed about reading a book! A book that tells me don’t stress. Live in the moment. Don’t worry about the future. Well fuck ok deep breath don’t stress.
It did become easier for me to read by the way.
I realized that I am not happy. Like ok on the surface I can laugh and enjoy things and life. But it’s not a full blown happy. Why? I don’t like how I live my life. I don’t like being alone. I hate that I don’t have friends. I don’t like being at home 5 nights a week. I want human contact. I want that friend I can talk to for hours. So mission one is to fix this.
What did I do? I ended a relationship. It was easy and secure. (The relationship not the break up) I needed to put myself out of the comfort zone. Next I have been mentally making a list of things I want to do to improve myself for 2015. Next I remind myself not to worry. Don’t stress. Don’t focus on the future. Be happy now. Be alone for once. Try to take care of yourself. Don’t focus on others. And for fucks sake let the drama goooo.
Hopefully my plan will get me to a better place of happiness and confidence that I have been missing for years. Once I can be happy with myself then I can build relationships. Romantic no. Friendships yes. My biggest complaint is people just do not seem to like me. Why? God I wish they would tell me so I can fix it. Maybe if I am happy people will want to be near me? I don’t know but it’s worth a shot.
I’ll eventually write down my to do/not to do list for 2015.
As for New year’s eve. I’ll most likely be alone at home. This will be a big test of my strength as I’m terrified of being alone.
If I’m not back before then happy New Year everyone!
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