I know it makes sense from a logical perspective of emotional content. If someone is a part of your life for 37% of your life… if someone is part of 43% of the life you remember… 64% of your active memories.................. if a single person is with you throughout your entire 20s as you build your adult personality; then the things you do inside that personality may forever be linked to them.
This is one of those moments where I cannot help but think… reflecting on personal differences discovered during Couple’s Counseling… Nancy’s way of life was always better suited to divorce than mine. As said during one devastating session of Couple’s Counseling… it was my nature to think of her and our marriage several times an hour… it was her nature to think of me and our marriage maybe a few times a week. There are various ways to contemplate that. Considering how things ended, I don’t think I need to filter to “kind interpretations.” Her behavior in 2020 and since has rather conclusively established.... she was looking for a partner to take care of her while she remained as miserable and unsatisfied as she chose to be. I was, admittedly, looking for something “greater to place my entire heart and focus into” which… sure- may not have been healthy. But- it is also most certainly a combination of my parents and their personalities and expressions of love. Dedication, devotion, passion, reliance.
I find my thoughts drifting to Nancy as I am rewatching Star Trek: The Next Generation. She enjoyed Star Trek. She actually won several trivia contests regarding Star Trek (at least previous to Star Trek: Enterprise). It was an interesting part of her. Star Trek… Star Wars… Dr. Who… Red Dwarf… Sandman… Neverwhere… MST3K… Tin Man… I know it is silly, even foolish… but.........
God, this feels stupid to even think. I have had zero luck generating interest out there. I am not attractive or wanted… I am most definitely not attractive or wanted to anyone who I feel similarly for… and yet here I am… literally praying that… if there is someone out there for me… if that seemingly impossible wish might miraculously be granted… I am thinking, “I hope they like Star Trek.” I am thinking… “I hope she has a spirit of curiosity.”
I am, in essence, hoping that… if, what now seems impossible could somehow occur… I am hoping that… if I ever were to find someone “for me”… I hope that she will also have some of Nancy’s better qualities? Which is not as offensive a thought as it first seems. Since, ultimately, what that is really expressing is not a wish that a future partner be like a past partner but more… I hope that a future partner will have significant overlapping interests with myself. The… tragedy… of it all is that my interests are… of a kind.
Apologies… as I considered the last ellipses, I was considering Nancy’s life since 2019 and how often she had said that she “couldn’t be herself” or “had to repress” for the sake of the new men… or at least variations of those kinds of phrases..... ultimately bringing into question whether the interests I am attributing to her were ever really hers at all or just her claiming them as interests because she knew I held them as interests. But that is me getting lost in my thoughts as a way to ignore or run from the simple truths as I see them.
My relationship with her rather proved that no one can maintain a performance forever. Nancy and I did genuinely share many authentic interests. The performance was her being interested in me and that was not something she could continue performing. So, I sit here… hoping to find a well-read, attractive-to-me, nerdy woman… which statistically doesn’t seem impossible. But certainly feels hopeless from time to time… especially as the modern age seems to have no shortage of horrors regarding things like peace, empathy, compassion, and stability.
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