A distinct sense of my own argumentativeness.
I percieved and felt into it for awhile. Not in a judgemental way. Simply in an open and curious way. I felt such an affectionate holding for it. And also a recognition that it’s not productive. No malice, no wish for it to go away, no judge. Just affection and recognition.
I don’t remember ever viewing or percieving my argumentativeness this way, before. I have recognized that I compulsively argue. And I have wondered why I did it in a sad, condescending way. I blamed this argumentativeness for undesirable outcomes.
Now I see it in affection as something that I’m capable of and tend to fall into for comfort. I feel a surge of gratitude and love-from and for myself- which makes such bids for comfort utterly unnecessary and irrelevant by addressing the underlying need which produced the bid for comfort to begin with.
Increasingly I feel whole- filled with a perception of the wholeness of myself- and still with a peace which has been unknown to me in prior times. I feel no urge to fill my time. I feel no anxiety about the future. I percieve occurrences and events that in the past might have sent me into deep episodes of shame, self-loathing, self-attack, etc. Instead, I feel an open curiosity and affection for my feeling in regard to the event. I wonder and move my awareness inward as to the action which might most honor myself in relation to the occurrence. I am relaxed, peaceful and open to the events; not restricted or holed away from the world.
It is entirely different, and new. And welcome.
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