I hate this. I hate being so consumed by my thoughts and emotions and having them take over like I have no control over my own mind and body. He’s peeing too often and I think about what kinds of problems he could have because as a nurse I am knowledgeable about those things, but also because of that knowledge I know the absolute worst that can happen. and that is where my mind jumps to. I keep thinking diabetes, urinary malformation, or other things. My thoughts don’t stop and my mind races and then I get overwhelmed and consumed and taken over.
On top of that I am dealing with my own health issues. This freaking uterus that although did help me bear my children and I am glad it did, its now giving me problems that I am having to deal with and interrupt my life. I just want to feel normal for a stretch of time. I want things to go well and for me now to have to worry like this. I want these thoughts to go away and never come back. I want to have rational thinking and be logical when it comes to anything. I d on[t’ want me heart and my emotions to go a mile a minute and get ahead of myself.
It paralyzes me and makes me emotionally drained. I am also thinking about when Walter starts a regular site. It is already hard to ask him for favors or to feel as though he has my back. All because he works 5 days a week. Now I’m really screwed. If I thought he wasn’t gonna help me before, he really isn’t now. He already complains so much about his job. All I do is hear so many complaints about it. And he does nothing to better his thought process or his disposition. Its just all ‘I am surviving’ or ‘I am dying.’ Wake the heck up! No you’re not! You saw people walk out because they were fired. Saw the loss on their face. You’re not going through that. Have a sense of the bigger picture.
God what I am telling you is…that I cannot keep up with all this and I don’t know how to delegate, nor do I feel I have anyone to delegate to. My circle of people to ask has gotten smaller. Natali is working, Martha is working and has her own life, my parents are getting older and have no patience for the kids. I feel well and truly stuck. I see no reprieve from this. I am mostly going through the motions, I have to admit, not because I know you’ll provide light at the end of the tunnel, but because i have to don’t I? If I don’t my kids will suffer.
I hate this mentality. I don’t want to think or live this way because it is not living. Please help the peace come back to my heart and my mind. Point me in the right direction to read your word or music to listen to. Or who to talk to. I am so desperate for connection that isn’t going to judge me, make me feel stupid, or belittle me. Lord, please help me. At least writing here helps take out some of the emotions. Can I ask you here to please heal my son? If there is a problem of some sort, I ask that you stretch forth your hand and keep him from having to go through anything unnecessary. My heart cannot handle what happened last time.
I think that is really the crux of it. It scares me to hurt that much. To feel anything close to what I did then. I know you’re with me, but during those times and when the emotions are so thick, its hard to feel you through them. And that is on me. I should do better. I am sorry for that, but I am only human. Please help calm my heart.
I love you, amen.
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