Another day has gone and went.
I’m pretty frustrated I’m struggling so much. I can generally push the bad away and bounce back. Out of sight, out of mind. Fake it until you make it. If I live in denial it’ll get better.
This time though, I’m not bouncing back. I’m not feeling magically better. The denial hasn’t set in. I’m still simply sad. I’m still lonely. I still just want to lay in bed and never leave my house. I still cry. A lot. The numbness isn’t coming quick enough. I feel the feelings and they are ROUGH. It’s been two weeks. It’s anything but better. Maybe worse.
The loneliness. It’s too much. The literal ache in my chest hurts all the time. Wishing someone was here. Wishing I had someone to talk to. Wishing I could be good enough for someone to stay and never leave. I’m over it. I’m over never being enough. I’m over feeling so fucking lonely when I feel. I want so much more.
I have no idea what’s going on with Nick. Okay, I take that back. I do. He’s just fading away. He’s seeing what I’ll tolerate. He’s figuring out how inconsistent he’ll stay and I’ll just… Be here. Waiting. I’m trying so hard just to chill and see how it plays out. Hoping I’m wrong. So badly. Yet, I’m letting him show me who he really is and how I really rate in his life. Letting him show me if I’m a priority. And so far this week… I’m not. Last conversation of substance he told me he might have bad news and he might not be able to come this weekend. That was like Sunday night. All week it’s basically been nothing. He’s busy with work I guess. Busy shooting with friends. It takes seconds to send a simple text. A minute to make a call and say I’m thinking about you. I hope I’m wrong but I really don’t appear to matter. Tonight I didn’t even waste my time texting him. Why bother.
I just want to matter. I miss my Grandparents so freaking much. So much. It’s been 10 months without my Grandma, 16 months without my Grandpa and it hurts so freaking bad to say that. They truly loved me and would have done anything for me. I never doubted their love for me. Literally, the only people in the world to ever love me unconditionally. Now they’re gone. Now I have nobody that has ever loved me the way they did. To imagine a life with this kind of emptiness forever. I don’t want to. I’ve had enough. I’m okay for it to end now. How can anyone feel this level of emptiness and keep going? It’s definitely not for me.
Tomorrow is another long day. I just keep hoping if I stay busy it won’t hurt. I’ll forget. I’ll go back into denial mode. It’s just not working. Maybe this time I’ve finally pushed too far.
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