Dear God,
Thank You for another day. Please let the knot on my head go away. I promise I won’t drink like that again—I clearly had too much. I walked straight into a wall, for heaven’s sake. It looks like a small scrape on my forehead. Nothing makeup can’t fix, but I still feel foolish.
My dad called me this morning. He told me how much he loves me and how proud he is. He said I’m beautiful—“You’re gorgeous. You have a beautiful spirit. You’re intelligent. You’re the cat’s meow—just like your mama and your sister.”
That meant more to me than he knows.
He asked if I ever wanted to become a pilot. I think that would be pretty cool, but truthfully, I just want my dreams to come true. I want to be my own manager. I want someone like Jillian to take my business calls. I want Alex’s friend to be my bodyguard. I want Alex beside me, helping organize my travel. I want Amarya, Tee, and Karla somewhere in the mix too. It’s funny how my mind works. I want to take care of everyone who has ever cared for me… even though I know that’s not entirely realistic.
I think Johnny Depp did something smart—buying an apartment building and housing his friends in Los Angeles. That support really showed during his trial. I believe there may have been truth on both sides, but the loyalty and support around him made a difference.
The only person I feel safe enough to marry is Shervy. But I don’t want obligation. I just want my best friend back. I don’t want sex, kids, or domestic expectations. I just want to be me. I’ve never wanted the things most women want. I’ve always had one goal in sight—but more than anything, my whole life, I just wanted to be loved by the world… but we all know how no one can avoid haters.
I hope my life changes soon. I know it’s already changing—but it’s so hard. Change is hard. I don’t miss smoking, but now I’ve started drinking, and that scares me a little. I only like very strong alcohol, which tells me I need to be careful. At least I’m aware of my limits. Last night I had two Long Island iced teas and three or four tequila shots. I wasn’t truly drunk—I just made a poor decision and closed my eyes while walking. Lesson learned. Three drinks is my limit. Whatever I choose, I need to choose wisely.
Right now, I need to study. That comes first. It’s almost 11:30 a.m. I’m going to rest a bit longer, then study most of the day in my room. I don’t want distractions. Alex doesn’t distract me intentionally, but we talk a lot—and who would’ve thought I’d have so much in common with a twenty-five-year-old?
I’ve noticed something important: I handle stress well. I didn’t gain weight or break out. I look tired, but I know how to care for myself—under-eye patches, LED mask, vitamins. I take care of myself inside and out. “You know what to do,” my mom always says.
My hotel bed feels so good. Usually I’d have weed and go to the parking lot or risk smoking weed in the bathroom with wet towels pressed the bottom seal of the bathroom door. Without weed, I feel much more at peace.
And I’ve realized something else—I’m much happier without weed. I’m not depressed. My lips are pink again. My hair isn’t dry. My skin is clear. I haven’t felt or looked this good in a long time. I just need to overcome the urge to smoke when others are around me. Now that I’m drinking, I recognize that alcohol can impair my judgment too. I don’t necessarily want to quit everything forever, but I want clarity and balance. I’m still figuring that out.
I pray that You take this habit away from me completely. I pray for a photographic memory so I can retain everything I need to learn. Help me memorize all the drills. Keep me focused and undistracted. I pray that I earn my wings as a flight attendant. I pray that I see the world and confidently expand my songwriting and acting gifts.
I know that’s a lot—but nothing is impossible for You.
Most of all, I pray for long life and good health for my entire family, my loved ones, and myself.
In Jesus’ name,
Amen 🤍
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