It’s particularly strange to open a comedy show on the day Catherine O’Hara dies. Rather like when when a funeral is on the nicest day of the year. You know the positive is exactly the right way to honor the departed… your loved one would want a nice day; the late great Catherine O’Hara would be the first to say “The show must go on”.... but there’s still a sense of discord.... the knowledge that this thing happened and a particular light was taken from the world. Obviously, I didn’t know the woman. Duh. But man… even for how much of a cinephile I am; my world would look profoundly different had Catherine O’Hara not existed, not shared her gift and her passion! She will be missed but is strongly appreciated for the work she left us!!
Work today, as ever, was busy but it was a lot of training the Law Student. So… I didn’t get enough done but I am desperately hoping that if I train well enough that might deliver some positives in the future!
In my scant downtime, I was going through the dating apps again and fuck I know I need to stop. The absolute stonewall I run into there is devastating for my self-esteem. All it seems to do is say, “Look at these literally thousands of women who match some or all of what you’re looking for… none of which ever seem to match with me at all. For any reason. Ever.” And… I know this. I don’t need recurring reminders! I don’t need to see a brigade of NO every day. AND… it’s silly anyway! After texting for a bit, women tend to ghost me anyway because I can’t say, “How about I take you to dinner tomorrow night”… because I work until 5 so driving to many of these women, I wouldn’t even get there until 7 or 8 if I could even do it at all when I have things like rehearsals and shows! And that’s.... been an issue. Women say they will meet halfway and then “NEVER AGAIN” because… if they can find someone closer, why put in the effort? Women say they want to get to know a guy but Text to Meet Up has a strict deadline, apparently… and “a few weeks” is somehow OFFENSIVE but… if they can find someone who can take them on a date within 15 minutes, why put in the effort? And I’m not asking sarcastically or sardonically! My roommate in college once specifically suggested if he could date a woman in town, he’d do it, so he didn’t have to drive the 23 minutes to his girlfriend’s house! I KNOW I’m not able to be the “Thanks for matching with me, let’s get dinner tonight” type of person. FOR MORE REASONS THAN YOU CAN IMAGINE! Do you know how many times a Defendant or a victim has popped up on my Dating Apps?! There have been serious “Okay, in court- you admitted to doing heroin recently so you’re whole non-drinker non-smokers thing doesn’t actually trick me into thinking you live healthy!” So, that’s my reality on these damned things. Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing… a match!… a match that lives 3 to 9 hours away.... a match that ghosts after somewhere between 3 messages or 3 weeks.... because “I don’t want a pen pal!”.... then nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing… a match!… a match that asks if I would pay off her cell phone bill if we met up… which of fucking course not!… then , nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing… a match!… a match that tells me she’s going to massage school and is really only looking for men who would be willing for her to practice on… which of fucking course not!.... SO… I know. I KNOW. I can and probably should just fucking delete any and all dating apps immediately and forever. BUT… I am emotionally incapable of giving up. I cannot well and truly ultimately embrace that “Okay. I am not looking for a relationship. I am not looking for a partner. I am not looking to meet anyone. I’ll remove the primary method for partnering in the modern era entirely from my life!” I just… I can’t. So… that does feel like a silly, stupid, fucking foolish self-destructive inner conflict. The Dating Apps aren’t working and bring me down. But the alternative… the… just… not trying… being okay that even a paid fucking matchmaker can’t find me anything more than A date? The dating apps hurt and bring me down. Giving up entirely is what is truly self-destructive. If I genuinely embraced that… I’m… too busy, too hideous, too controversial, too cautious, too Iowan, too much, too little, too me… to have a chance? That would do me in.
WHICH IS A TERRIBLE THING TO BE THINKING BEFORE OPENING NIGHT OF A PLAY THAT WILL BE FINANCIALLY SUCCESFUL AND VERY FUNNY so.... time to go shake this shit off and shift into ACTOR MODE!
After the show, I got a Dating App message I felt a need to share so I will share that then circle back around to discuss the show.
Match said YOU HAVE A MATCH. Meaning one of the rare moments where I said, “This person looks interesting, attractive, and isn’t a criminal defendant to my knowledge. I would like to maybe get to know this person for romantic intent.”.... and the person I said that about accepted and (allegedly) reciprocated. Except.. and she said it nicely just… this is “the best” dating apps are giving me right now… here was her message:
“I debated whether to send a like because- and I hope you’ll forgive me for this- you look so much like my high school friends that I think you’ll end up permanently friend-zoned, and that’s totally unfair of me. But I am 100% positive from your profile that you are the exact kind of person I tend to befriend. Are you interested in being friends? I hope that doesn’t come across as mean. I figure it’s best to be honest.”
Which… sigh. Yeah, especially as a demisexual I would love to make a friend on a dating app that turned into romance and a relationship… but someone saying, “I want to make a friend. I’m not looking to make you more than that.” on a dating app first and foremost but..... it sounds… game-y.... like… you don’t become a friend with someone with the intent and hope of turning it into something more. They teach us that one in therapy. But… a good example of the “All these apps where people are getting dates, and finding spouses, or at least getting laid and.. THIS is where I am with all of it.
Anyway- so how was opening?
Well, the audience was relatively quiet. Which… wasn’t great. They loved it. They enjoyed it. We made more mistakes today than yesterday. But the audience got a good show and really seemed to appreciate it. That said? What was the big moment that sets this opening apart?
I tend to get nosebleeds. Quite often, really. I was actually thinking about that during intermission and thinking about how thankful I was that I hadn’t had one on stage… ever… which was odd considering the high frequency with which they occur. Act 2 starts up, I do my off stage lines, I bound onto the stage (top of stairs), I throw myself down the stairs (as I have every night this week) and as Sylvia (character name) is picking me up off from the floor… the actress’ face turns ash. She keeps composure, delivers her lines… but I can see in her eyes that she’s worried, nervous, scared… and thinking. We do our lines, we continue the scene, and when I sit on the couch- she hands me a handkerchief from the side table (placed there by me during Act 1). I wasn’t oblivious to what was going on… I could feel blood escaping from my nose but… as long as it wasn’t dripping on anything other than my mustache and lips- we’re good. I bring the handkerchief to my face several times to try to get through the scene without further horrifying Sylvia. Get off stage. Take care of it to the best of my ability. Go back on stage when my character is supposed to. Get through most of the play. Towards the end, the actress that plays Marjorie changed her blocking and instead of sitting in the chair next to me, sat next to me on the couch, and dabbed at my lip and mustache to get more of the blood removed. All in all? Both actresses 1000% remained in character and it absolutely looked like part of the play! HELL… Act 2 opens with me throwing myself downstairs; and the midpoint is me running towards a door that opens onto me slamming into me… the two women my character is in a loving relationship with showing kindness like dabbing at me with a handkerchief or at least giving me one… works in character and with the play. So, while I feel terrible that I upset and frightened my fellow actors? The audience never knew a thing. Even people who had seen it last night didn’t know that tonight, I’d started bleeding from my face. They just noticed a “little more tenderness between the characters tonight” but weren’t sure if that was because last night’s audience was raucous with laughter and tonight’s seemed more reserved. WHEN YOU ARE BLEEDING FROM YOUR FACE and it doesn’t alter the show- it’s either going FANTASTICALLY or HORRIBLY but never “so so”! After the show, we hit the Hotel Bar next door and really enjoyed ourselves. It was nice. This has been a fantastic experience and I’m glad I “retreated” into theater instead of something more self-destructive. I honestly wasn’t going to audition for this show in an effort to seek Vocal Coaching to try to get a named role in Sweeney Todd. NOW… had I been able to get two or three months of intense vocal coaching? I do honestly believe I could have secured a named role. BUT there is no guarantee that I would have found that. I tried to contact a few coaches before auditioning for this show and I was getting nowhere. So… big picture? Auditioning for this show was the right move. And I am very glad I did it. 5 more shows left!!!!
Loading comments...