As should have been expected considering recent entries; I got sick. Push yourself through Cold & Flu season like I do and it is bound to happen. So, I wasn’t at work on Monday or Tuesday and spent most of those days sleeping. Of course, I return to work today with literal Mountains of Work to do; and as soon as I boot up my computer
YOU HAVE 302 UNREAD E-MAILS/VOICEMAILS
Motherfucker. I do, indeed, hate this job with the same strength and apathetic depression that I hate things like my loneliness and my love life! I don’t care how qualified or unqualified I am, I am seriously going to start applying for different jobs. In my e-mails:
(A) Judges blatantly misreading motions from Defendants and (1) adding to my case load; (2) in violation of the Defendant’s rights; and (3) in such a manner that the case will be dismissed because of the Judge’s fucked up Order.
(B) Judges straight up admitting that their other job has them too busy, so I will need to do more than my job for the Court system to function.
(C) HALF A DOZEN “I just got pulled over and fuck your cops! I don’t have a record, so how do I make this go away?”
(D) Three: “I received a traffic ticket and do not wish to come to court. How do you suggest I proceed?”
(E) Two: “I hired an attorney for my case and then called you; but you’ve never called me back! That’s fucked up. You’re supposed to be a public servant! CALL ME BACK!”
(F) Got a few: “You’re supposed to be my public defender, and I’ve got court coming up! Judge told me to talk to you. So, you gonna do your job and talk to me about this ticket or do I got to come to your office to get some fucking attention?!”
(G) Five different: “Hypothetically, if I did what the ticket says I did.... how do I keep that off my record?”
And on and on and on and on.
This is a bit of a villain monologue but it is how I am feeling and there is some truth to it!
The biggest problem with being reliable… with being someone that people can count on… is that everyone resets their expectations accordingly. Being reliable, helpful, and consistent starts as a surprise, as a pleasant exception to an otherwise disappointing norm. It is seen as a positive, as something to encourage and appreciate. But eventually, inevitably, it ceases to be exceptional and becomes expected. The person that went out of their way to cheer you up? If they do that often enough, it isn’t noticed as “something nice someone did” it is part of “the daily fabric of life.” Therefore, it becomes the case that it is only noted when it is absent. It goes from, “Oh my! Thank you! That was so thoughtful, I needed that” and becomes “What the fuck? Where are you?! I needed you and you weren’t here!” This goes both big and small. Consider a communal break room. There are three people scheduled to open the office every day, but only one of them ever remembers to turn on the coffee pot. The afternoon staff, in the beginning, remark about how wonderful it is that there is warm coffee for them in the afternoon. A few months go by. The afternoon staff stop remarking about the convenience of warm coffee in the afternoon. A few months go by and the morning staff member who turned on the coffee pot is too busy every morning to get to the coffee pot every day. The afternoon staff, now, remark about how aggravating it is that there isn’t warm coffee for them in the afternoon. And that is the nature of people. Humans can grow accustomed to just about anything. And when they grow accustomed to something positive- they only notice it when it is suddenly absent. And they don’t think, “Wow! That was something! I should be more grateful when it is present.”.... they think, “Wow! That was something! I am furious at its absence!”
And, while I can understand that is simply human nature? And while I understand being someone other than myself isn’t exactly a wonderful and healthy choice? There has to come a time when the “FUCK EVERYTHING” meets the “Public Displays of Positive Action”. I cannot continue to say “Carry on!” when I am actually starting to want to see it all burned down. You can say “Come see the problems inherent to the system!” until you are blue in the face, but as long as you are present- putting your body on the line to prevent catastrophic failure- people won’t say, “Wow! That system really is broken!” all they’ll say is, “Why are you screaming? You noticed a problem, you fixed a problem. Good for fucking you! Who cares?!” and go about their day. So that… yeah… removing your body and letting the catastrophic failures happen feels.... awful. Because you saw the problem. You tried to alert people to the problem. You tried to give people time to fix or rectify the problem. And instead- they grew accustomed to your solution. They grew accustomed to the fact that YOU would sacrifice so THEY could continue on with their day uninterrupted and unburdened. You’re being ground into dust, and informing them that eventually it will, in fact, be their problem again… but all they see is “someone is doing something for us and now just wants to be lazy. Keep doing your job, asshole”. Though… I feel like this specific problem goes beyond work. I feel like this metaphor also works a little too well for my relationships. Definitely NANCY but also Hermia and even Essen in its way. Like seeing the train barreling towards a ravine, and laying your body on the track to let the train keep going. Yeah, the train keeps going… to another ravine. And the more times you do that, the more it is expected, to the point where suddenly NOT doing it means you’re a villain. NOT that you were a hero for doing it at all; but that you are a villain for not doing it every time. Which is typically where I say “Fuck this”.... at some point. Eventually. For the big things, it takes me a long, long time! Re-read these pages and you’ll see me debating myself over it for relationships and jobs for years and years. If I had the time or the energy for a therapist; I think I’d send her this entire section and just say “THIS. This is a significant problem I would like to change. How can I best avoid this other than… just not getting involved? Because I think that may be one (of many thousands) of hurdles into getting into an emotionally mature relationship. I don’t want to be the guy that sticks his hand into the machine’s gears anymore. Or to pull a legitimate example from my real life… I don’t want to be the guy that grabs the scooter by the muffler. There has to be a way to be helpful and myself without the constant “I’ll wedge myself into the machine so you can find a solution.... wait, where are you going?! I didn’t mean make me the solution!”
I know it won’t come as a surprise to anyone but.... coming down from shows (especially)… and being sick on Monday and Tuesday? Man, that loneliness was devastating. AND I know it’s my own dumbass fault. I’m not using what little free time I have well. I keep thinking I’ll catch up on Prosebox writing and notes; but I never do. I’ve wanted to respond to Prosebox notes all January and… I just haven’t. Because while I do read them and value them… my January has been packed to the brim with 17 and 18 hour days! In that same vein, I know I could reach out to my friends on the West Coast or East Cost via text, they’d probably be happy to talk to me. But… there’s an “emotional weight” to reaching out to friends that are in difficult situations and… call me a bad friend… being a friend that is there for others is an important part of being a friend but… not something I’m really capable of when I’m not feeling well. I’m the guy that listens, helps, and encourages. And I don’t have the emotional range for it these days. In fact, that is probably the biggest part of feeling lonely anymore. I don’t have anyone generally that wouldn’t want or expect some kind of emotional investment. But even beyond the deep stuff, there’s nobody. I don’t have anyone that I can call just to go catch a movie. I don’t have anyone with whom I can sit down and bare my soul. There’s not a single person that would come walk Nala if I was so sick I was bedridden. I am… bombarded and swarmed by the absolute least rational, most ignorant, and most angry people in my geographic region as an element of my Every Day Work Life. I am… gifted to work with funny, caring, talented people in my When I Am Cast In A Show Hobby Life. And outside of those? There’s just… nothing. There’s me watching TV or taking care of NALA or playing video games or reading which.... are not bad things at all. Just… things that are… alone. And that loneliness has weight. And… I’d like to write about it in an effort to solve things but… I know that won’t do it. This is one of those… the world is feeling more and more lonely as more and more people are being left behind in a country with fewer and fewer Third Spaces and Leisure Time and Uncommitted Money..... we developed a world where more people could do less but permitted the already obscenely wealthy to monopolize it so that the majority has to (actually) work more and more for less and less benefit. SO Yeah. People are lonely. I’m not special in that regard. But… it doesn’t help, necessarily, to know that: Seems I’m not alone at being alone/Hundred billion castaways, looking for a home
HOW ABOUT SOME GOOD NEWS/BAD NEWS FROM WORK!
Always the bad news first, right?
Bad News: Magistrate was over 30 minutes late to the hearings today. So, I’m in a room with 50 people, pissed off that they have to be here at all already. Just sitting. Waiting. Looking to me to do something because I’m an attorney, I have to have some authority, why the fuck are we all just sitting around?! It was… not great. Not great at all. Causes issues, in fact. Not least of which being my… I knew I would have to stay at work late tonight… but not even starting my afternoon hearings for 40 minutes?? THAT is..... one hell of a delay!
Good News: Encouraged to apply for New Job by someone with influence and information. So.... the job that my Stage Manager encouraged me to take? A CITY COUNCIL MEMBER actually went out of his way today to find me to tell me to apply. Specifically said that he would make sure there was an “appropriate attorney with experience” available to help “for the next two years at least” and that of all of the current candidates, he would recommend me if I put my application in! Specifically saying that I have the temperament and demeanor to do the job well. And hell… dealing with politicians? I was raised for diplomacy. At the very least, I could certainly use the opportunity to interact with a better class of criminals. Not to mention the low end of their advertised salary is still 57 thousand dollars more than my highest salary anywhere! Now, you may not realize it, but I’ve been spending a lot more time contemplating death.... the hair went silver fast and I’m a lot closer to the end of my life than I am to the beginning. THAT being said, it means that my older family members are a lot closer to death… a lot closer. And while I love my family for many reasons, I am also aware that.... technically speaking… because of current living relatives, I make 26% of my current “living wages” from CHRISTMAS presents every year! (If that isn’t clear, I receive checks from family on Christmas that add up to about 26% of all of the money I make in a year.) And… maybe selfishly… I was thinking recently about… what will I do when those relations die? They won’t be passing on giant “Enjoy Your Life” inheritances on. They have all been very clear and specific about what charities and what causes get… everything… when the time comes. So, I was genuinely wondering what I was going to do.... as an Attorney making less than $100k is… fucking stupid.... and an attorney making less than $80k is… being taken advantage of… so… my ass is even way lower than that!! The job could be a Godsend for financial and mental health reasons!
BUT
I also had high hopes when I got this job. And while I have been able to successfully achieve the primary reasons I was excited for the move… the unforeseen consequences have also been significant. Yes, I am over the moon regarding the theater opportunities! And I am so happy that I can often see my dog during lunch. And there is some serious quality to coming in to the office on Nights and Weekends instead of having to take the work home with me. Conversely, the job is also.... not what I was offered. When I was offered this position, Defendants were represented by Defense Attorneys. When I was offered this position, Rocket Docket had staffing and DOT information. When I was offered this position, Sovereign Citizens and Magistrate Jury Trials weren’t an every week kind of thing. When I was offered this position, it was not contemplated as an 80 hour department. So… yeah, a lot of what I’ve come to loathe about this job has been add ons which… no job is truly free of. Shit could turn sour at any moment.
And there are other significant concerns regarding any new job.
IPERS or my government sponsored retirement… where does that go, what happens to that?
My insurance- totally gone, shifted to something else that I don’t even know.
My Office- I’ll have to seriously go through it with a proper clean and sort.
My Cases- I’ll have epic shit tons of work to do there!
BUT
That’s also me getting way ahead of myself. There is no guarantee that I’ll even get an interview, let alone the job! It’s a nice reminder to update my resume and get hopping on certain things like that, though. And I’ll never be considered if I don’t even apply! So… work ahead of me, eh?
It’s important not to get into a mindset of “OH, HOORAY, A POSITIVE CHANGE!” because.... I need to take steps towards something if I want to honestly hope for it. But.... man.... fuck… my workload here makes me really hopeful.
I’ve got a guy. DEMANDING a jury trial. The most expensive, most Time Sucking type of trial there is. His charge? Public Intoxication. Our evidence? Police Body Camera of him stumbling, slurring, and having difficulty on the street. PLUS a preliminary breath test of near .20 BAC. In other words, we have conclusive evidence proving the crime as charged. Not “kind of” and not “almost”… we have only two elements to prove and irrefutable evidence satisfying both of those elements. Still- guy wants a jury trial. Because “I wasn’t that drunk!”
Knowing that things like that will devour 9 whole hours of my life makes me honestly miss boring office meetings where you simply sit at a large table and try not to fall asleep. I would rather be dictating a toddler’s e-mails than dedicating 9 hours of my day to this kind of bullshit. PAY THE FINE AND CALL IT A DAY… instead, you’re demanding that 80 citizens give up at least an entire morning of Jury Selection… you’re demanding that 7 of those citizens give up at least an entire day in Jury Trial… and you’re demanding that every court employee drop what they are doing and service this jury trial instead...... because, while you are legally considered intoxicated, you think you shouldn’t be in trouble because you were “not that drunk.”
YEAH. I WOULD MUCH RATHER have an office job dealing with politicians!
And then I look at how much work I have to do to get my shit together? I haven’t updated my resume since before I got THIS job! That feels wrong and insane… and I happen to know is not factually accurate.... but i can find no copy on my personal or professional computer. Last resume available is from 2018!! Fuck… I have my work cut out for me. But… I will still do the best I can. I must apply for this job. Especially since I might even have a chance of getting it!
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