12:26pm
Just saw TF for the first time in over a year, maybe two. And that motherf*cker can still cut me deeper than anyone else has ever been able to. I don’t understand why he holds this power over me. Still. After so many damn years. And he’ll never know the complete and utter damage he did to me.
He definitely does not deserve that power. He doesn’t deserve jack from me, but it’s like I have absolutely no control.
He came in, talked to mom, started talking shit about me [like always], told him I was sitting right here and he acted like he didn’t know. He knew. Then he suddenly popped over to my desk and said something like “hi little buddy” UGH Put out his hand and tried to dab me up like I was his homie on the street. I half-heartedly shook his hand and then pulled away. He made some comment about how I should put my mask on [it’s hanging on my ear because people are gross] and I said that I definitely should with him around.
But afterwards, it hit. Like I know he didn’t mean it like this, or maybe he did, but I’ve been hella self-conscious lately with my skin. And he’s the only one that can truly pour salt into that wound.
It makes me hate myself, hate this power he shouldn’t hold, because obviously I am very happily married now and I feel like I’m betraying my husband in some weird way. Like I hope he never reads this because damn. I have zero feelings for TF, but screw me, I cannot figure out how to get rid of him.
He opened some door inside of me a very long time ago and I don’t know how to close it. I wish I could slam it shut on his soul. I need to figure out how to get that key back to lock it up forever.
I guess that’s what therapy is for, huh? The one thing I keep talking about but never pull the trigger on.
Fck me. Fck him. Fck that whole situation for ever existing.
[But yeah, blah blah, probably taught me what I needed to learn to be a better person for EC. Definitely learned what I didn’t want in life. Hate that it crushed my soul/spirit in the process!]
rose.
12:41pm
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