Still here. Still breathing. One step at a time. Am I still depressed? Ohhhhhh, so fucking bad. This has been rough. I’m not sure my thoughts have ever been this bad or went on for this long to this extent. Even my divorce felt better than this and that was an ugly adventure.
It’s over with Nick. It’s basically been over for almost 4 weeks. It was over when he texted that he was basically done and he needed to rip off the bandaid. I was just dumb enough to hold out hope for 2 weeks after. The last week I’ve basically accepted it but fuck, it makes me sad. He put on a really damn good show that he was different. He wasn’t. At all. He just had a better mask & more money than most men I meet. He let me falsely believe that life with him could be mine someday. Ha. Hell, he had already picked the day we would break up way back in… November? October?… Whenever he said he’d have no time come January. He was telling me then he wasn’t invested. I just didn’t listen. He’s texted me a couple times and called me - that he missed me but we can’t be together - he can’t fix it… I finally responded that he COULD fix it, but was choosing not to. Because that’s the truth - He could make it work. He could be with me. He’s choosing not to. He then said yeah, kinda, he didn’t want us to become work. Seriously? He didn’t want our relationship to become work? I wasn’t worth some work and effort? Really? It simply proved I never truly mattered. Conveniently or relationship last the same amount of time and during the same time period as his last one. Ours went slightly longer though thanks to our Vegas trip I scheduled. A pattern. A girlfriend for the loneliness of the summer and to have a +1 at all the summer events you do. Then come the holidays he calls it a day as he gets busy with the kids. I’d bet he seeks out his next relationship come mid-May. That’s it. I was a placeholder. A convenience. An entertainment piece. That’s it. I fell in love with a man that was using me. I’m a dumbass.
My therapist said he had red flags. They just looked different this time. Instead of yelling or fighting he gave me silence and space, more than appropriate. He quietly commented on knowing my location and made me think it was sweet, not controlling. He judged every little thing I did but in a way that sounded helpful. I ignored them. I still fell in love with him.
So, I’m just trying to come to terms with this. Trying to accept it. Trying to quit texting him. Trying to remember my self-worth. Trying to quit thinking about the future I’d built in my head. Trying to quit loving him. Trying to pick myself back up.
My therapist encouraged me to consider going on a random date. “Just let somebody buy you dinner & get out for a little bit”. I scrolled on FB Dating for awhile. For a distraction. Nobody was good enough. They were too far away. They had kids. They didn’t have kids. They simply weren’t attracted. I accepted a few but didn’t like any of them. I hate dating. It’s like a job interview with a pool of really shitty candidates or candidates that look decent but have some flag you’ve already learned as a lesson and can’t do again. Giant dumpster fire. Some looked decent but when I mentioned I’d have custody of a baby in 2 weeks they were like uhhhhh, peace out. Some simply faded away and couldn’t keep a conversation.
Wednesday night I randomly got a like the looked decent. Lives an hour away. Not super my type, but not ugly. Actually sent more than a “hi” or one word opening message. So, I replied…
We’ve been talking and he seems nice. Now I’m watching for the “nice” red flags too and none yet. I’m cautiously optimistic but also super skeptical. Should I move on that quick? I have no idea. Maybe it’s better now since I am more closed off and even slower. Every partner is simply a lesson. Another warning of what I don’t want in my life. Another person that makes me realize I need to be even pickier. Eventually someone has to not have any negative criteria. Right?
So yeah. Good conversation. We went on a date Saturday night and just had a couple brewery beers and a light dinner. He was respectful. He drove here and told me he felt that was the thing to do when meeting a girl. I’ve almost always drove to the date - 3 hours one way frequently. Because my life is flexible and easier I thought. Or was I just making it easier to date me casually when I’d put forth all the effort? So yeah. That was nice of him. He didn’t run away when I told him about the baby. He goes to church - haven’t tried a guy that goes to church on his own free will regularly. Texted me after the date to tell me he had a perfect time and I was amazing.
So yeah. So far the only possible red flag is love bombing. Because when you’re nice to me I think you might be love bombing me and then I continue to wait for the bottom to fall out or you to do whatever awful thing.
We’ve talked about hanging out Tuesday night. So we will see if that happens and how it goes if it does. The texting has went well since the date. It’s early tho. We will see.
I won’t have much time here soon either. The baby will be born in a week. The prison gave me the info so I now know I need to be there Sunday night. Baby will be born Monday morning. I anticipate she’ll go home Wednesday. So yeah, I’m gonna have nonstop craziness. Of course, I’m willing to make time for the right person. But it’ll only be for the right person as I won’t have time for those that don’t deserve it. And it seems crazy to me to even try to date when I’ll have a newborn but I keep telling myself the right person will embrace my chaos and not run from it. Because really it’s who I am. It’s who I’ll always be. I don’t think I’ll ever say no to a child in need. Or a dog in need. Really anyone in need. There will always be extra family that isn’t really family. So, guess he better just be cool with it from day one.
I’m just hoping that overall the baby helps me. Keeps me busy. Gives me purpose. Gets me out of bed. That’s a lot to put on a little baby. A lot of responsibility. I know I need to find it all in myself. But she’ll be like a good driving force to work on me. To keep getting healthier for her. To do everything I can to start her little life good and expose her to the least amount of trauma that I can.
That’s about all I’ve got for today. Just spent the day in bed mostly. Laying here. In the silence. Surrounded by Facebook reels. Contemplating my life. I did get the baby’s room finished I guess. So I got up for a little bit.
Someday life is going to be amazing. Someday. This will all have been worth it.
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