Today is a new day. I am feeling better today. But I am convinced that the only way I am going to get through the fall of the United States is by going back on anti-depressants. I have made a valiant effort to raw dog life, but it is absolutely affecting my day to day ability to do much. So I am calling my psych NP today and making an appointment (just made the call).
I also have therapy tomorrow. I am going to have to talk to her about how my physical health is having a disastrous effect on my mental health. During one typically terrible day- I was dealing with stomach and digestion issues, severe knee and hip pain, and I am exhausted (90% of the time). I made a comment in a moment of pure frustration and anxiety. The stress of all of that and the latest murder by ICE agents was just too much. I was laying in bed and he had come into the room. He looked at me, he teared up and said, “I hate seeing you like this. It hurts me that I can’t help you.” I replied, “Honestly, if doctors told me that this is going to be my baseline for the rest of my life, I would say that I don’t want this. I would rather you go off and find a healthy partner to spend the rest of your life with. I don’t want to live in my body like this. I can’t do it.” “Don’t say things like that to me.” He replied. He continued, “It hurts me so much. I understand why you feel like that, but it kills me to hear you say it.” I apologized profusely. He again, reiterated that he understood.
I have spent the days since trying to honor my body. I have had days where I get a burst of energy, for a very short length of time. I can get small menial tasks completed early in the day, but then I am in pain and tired for the rest of the day. I managed to replant our succulents, then decided to plant a small kitchen garden in peat pots. I planted seeds for parsley, sage, cilantro, thyme and basil. It’s not exactly the greatest time to plants herbs. They need the temp to be between 65-80 to sprout, and there’s no way that’s going to happen. So I am going to embrace my role as a chaos agent and hope for the best.
I am making super easy Chinese chicken salads for dinner using the leftover “spicy” chicken tenderloins from the food pantry. It was almost nine pounds of chicken in the package. I made white chicken chili, which was super duper yummy. That got us five meals. I have had a very hard time eating dinner lately. I can’t even have a few bites before I just don’t want to eat anymore. Last night, Rick decided to forego eating the chili leftovers, as he had a portion in his lunch, so he made generic mac and cheese with a can of tuna mixed in. I had a dew bites of that, and then a few saltines with a cup of sleepy tea before I retired for the night.
I took an Ambien to sleep last night. I don’t remember specifics of my dreams, so they must have been inconsequential. So much for all of the Ambien horror stories I have heard. I am determined to only take this if I absolutely need sleep, and so far, it’s working out.
Today, my goal was just to write. Other than that, I am planning on relaxing and just cleaning the kitchen and making dinner later. I hope you all have a lovely day.
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