I had the strangest sensation all morning. It's because the night before last, I decided to sleep with my window blind open, in an effort to breathe in more fresh air, as that's one of a hundred things that I feel is affecting my mental health. My bedroom faces east, so it means the morning sun hits directly into my room, and being in Queensland, that means the sun is rising anywhere between 5:30am-6am (depending on time of the year). The night before last, this worked out really well, as it was overcast outside, so I wasn't blinded by the light like I usually am, and this is the reason I have to keep my blinds closed. I tend to keep the window open with the blind closed, but it often gets quite windy on the 14th floor, meaning the blind is trying to escape out the window lol, and probably damaging it in the long run. I think I've worked out that if I just keep the blind closed half-way, I should be able to stop most of the sun and still let the air in, as there is a hospital admin building directly across that is about a floor higher than where I am, which should block most of the rising sun until it gets high enough, which I've worked out is around 6:15am or so at the moment. Anyway, I'll get to the point. This morning I have having the strangest dream that I couldn't block the light from my eyes. Even by closing them, even by holding my hand in front of my face. It was a blinding light. Cue my eventually waking up to realise the damn sun had been shining directly in my face for however long, and only dream-me had been attempting to block it.
But MAN, it was the strangest sensation after I got out of bed, hobbling to the bathroom (I'm still trying to configure my perfect mattress/pillow combination), like a blind person, and even making my short way to the kitchen to start making my breakfast. I was BLIND AS A BAT. I actually thought to myself, "This must be what being blind feels like!" How the hell did my body NOT wake up from that? I was so deep into the dream about not being able to prevent light, that back in reality, I was literally having a blight light shone in my face. No wonder my hand didn't block out dream-sun. Real-sun was having the time of it's life making my go blind.
It took a good half-hour or so for my eyes to adjust back to normal and start to feel normalish again. Man. I've never experienced shit like that before lol. It worked out GREAT when it was overcast, but this morning, not so much!
In sorta-other news, it's been a WEEK for my menty health, that's for sure. Very topsy-turvy with the GAD hanging around. I'd say four of the seven days were horrid, and I was resorting to breathing techniques and all sorts of tricks and pretending it's not there and meditating, and then the other three days, it's like my brain was trying to recalibrate itself from the shit-show it out me through the day before. It's actually crazy to think back on having thoughts of, "No wonder people commit suicide, feeling like this all the time" one day, to the next day being like, "Oh, I feel somewhat normal day. Carry on." LOL. What the fuck, brain!?
How insane that my brain can create this entire inner monologue of thoughts and feelings and absolute garbage. Yesterday was pretty bad and I found myself thinking, "How am I going to get through 30-40 more years of this?" My language to myself has changed a lot, for the better, I feel, but this still affects me, big-time, sometimes. Focusing on the days (like today) where it's not as bad, seem to be what keep me going. Trying to uncover what the secret is (if there even is a secret) to create more of these good days, seems to be something that gives me hope.
I've started re-reading Atomic Habits by James Clear, again, because that's the book that gave me a bit of light when I was really dark. The problem was, I was struggling to retain a lot of the information from it really, so I'm re-reading. I went down to the nice park by the river with my blanket and read the first chapter again. I'm enjoying it, like I did the first time. I did take some things from the first read, like I now prepare myself better for work the night before, my putting my shoes by my door and my work-clothes out and my gym clothes in my bag - just making things a little bit easier for future-me. And because of how bad I was in 2024, I now have this stockpile of self-help books (including a lovely one from my friend Kylie that she sent me) that I can go back and read.
I know I'm part-way through the book about living, dying and beyond, but man that is depressing. I can only read so much of it at a time. I'm also finding that I just want to read it so that I get it over with, but I think I need to be in an even better state of mind to keep reading that book, and I certainly wasn't for most of the days this past week. It is interesting though, although a bit confusing at times.
I just wanted to get a few things off my chest here today, namely that dream-me blinded real-me!
Oh also, who had Catherine O'Hara on their celebrity-death bingo card this year? I sure as hell didn't! That was a shock seeing on the news this morning.
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