Apparently this never saved:
(originally written December 2 2014)
‘Tis The Season
I haven’t had a real Christmas since I was about 17, Nor have I much cared for the holiday. Worn out carols and redecorated trees; The money spent, the sales, the cramming and the bullshit. Christmas was a time for children to get gifts that everyone else has to buy which the little brats will eventually destroy or lose. (I know, I was a kid once, just like all of us)Christmas was also just that time of year when people are nuts at work but I get my time and a half pay. That’s all I really cared about. I only had myself to take care of. So fuck it, I’d just work through the holidays and make a bit of extra cash so I can survive a bit better, maybe even treat myself. But that’s really all it was. I didn’t care about the holidays. I was stuck in my own personal Hell and I was stuck. Everyone at my jobs knew I hated it. I was always pissed off and depressed. I hated Christmas. I always wrote “Xmas” if I texted or messaged someone back. I messaged “merry xmas” to mom last year and she messaged back “it’s Christmas, you Grinch” yeah. I hated it that much. Things this year are a little different. I can’t legally work yet so I don’t have my own money but I can still make things for people as gifts. I just need my husband and his grandmother’s help getting materials. I hate being this broke. I’m totally dry, totally dependent on my husband. I have fuck all to offer to our financial situation and I know it puts tons of stress on him. But I know we can…we will!…get through it. We just need to fight a little bit longer. Eventually I’ll be an American with a SIN card..wait, no…Social Security Number, I mean… I need that to work here. First off, I need my shots and then we’re hiring an attorney to go over the paper work. I’ve already filled it out to the best of my ability. Right now it’s the shots I need but the goddamned guys to call back so I can make an appointment to get my shots and get this show on the road. I need to work!!!!!!!!!! Shit, I went totally off topic. This year I’m totally excited to have a Christmas tree. Excited to decorate it with Alec.. It’s been forever since I’ve been this psyched to decorate a Christmas tree. I’s not just the tree… It’s everything…I suppose my grinchy tale isn’t quite over yet because I do feel my heart softening to this time of year… I’m just happy with Alec and I have a reason to celebrate things now. LoneWolf11 died just before opendiary did. Alec and I were over 2000 miles apart, for 8 months, Including Christmas. Last year was bullshit anyway. I was at my place in Quebec and Alec was here in Washington. My parents came to visit me (My apartment had a mattress on the floor, a tv, my ps2 and a shitty, garbage computer. Windows 98 I think…I had nothing. (My family had never met my husband, I got married a couple days after I told them I was) My uncle freaked when my husband was on the phone. It wasn’t anything against my family, We just didn’t have a lot of time together. We were in each others flesh for a month when we married. I know that seems like we jumped into it quickly, but we’ve known each other for years on opendiary. It’s not as bad as people think. Also, since I moved to the states, I’ve gotten closer to my parents. The guys feud with my husband and it fucking pisses me off but maybe mom is right, maybe they have to physically meet first to be able to get along. I’m happier than I’ve been in..fuck..I don’t know how long..I cut myself way from my family because I was in a very, very dark point in my life…Days I will never return to. Now I can smile for real, Even Alec is excited and he’s had pretty much the same holiday experiences as me, the only difference is that him and his family shower each other with gifts, But it doesn’t mean he really felt it. Especially last year. He just worked, like me....He didn’t do a bloody thing with his family. But now we’re together…finally.
It doesn’t matter how black the clouds get and how furious the storm becomes because somewhere, hidden beyond the whirling chaos, If you look deep enough, you will find that silver lining. Because it is there. Just wait…And when you spot it, grasp it and it will grow, and it will shine brighter than anything you’ve ever seen… such beauty…
-Wolfy
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