Dear God,
I’m sitting in a room with a producer named Troy. Irock referred him to me. He’s probably the best producer I’ve worked with up to this point (except for Kalani—but Kalani doesn’t work nearly as quickly as this guy!). Maybe Irock is real.
Shervy is waiting outside for me. Shervy is that dude. I love him—I really do. Sometimes I think I might be asexual. Or maybe I’m just traumatized from my past without fully realizing it, afraid to get close to anyone. But if I’m being honest, I fear pregnancy more than anything else.
Anyway, I’m supposed to be writing a song right now while Troy is creating the beat. I prefer to write when I’m alone. I keep wondering how he’s going to send me the beat in the end. I wonder what he expects to happen next. Am I supposed to record right here in this chair? Who knows.
These are the only lyrics I’ve written so far:
If I could make a magic potion
I would need it for this moment
Getting truth from you is my motive
I just wanna know what you’re knowing
Messing with my heart
Let me know it
Tell me right now what the verdict
Tell me right now I’m important
Say it right in this moment
’Cause I’m not someone you can toy with
Tell me right now what the verdict
Tell me right now I’m important
That’s all I have right now. I don’t have much more to say because my mind keeps drifting to the test I need to study for. I’m only on page nine, and there are forty-four pages total.
Hours later, I made it home from working with Troy…..
While waiting for Shervy, we stood outside Troy’s house and I asked if he had a wife and kids. Turns out he has a wife and five kids.
Suddenly, I heard a voice in my head say, “Not everyone wants you.”
I remember a singer once told me that. He had stood me up for a studio session, claiming his mother was ill(which was maybe a truth). In reality, You probably didn’t want me working with him. You were protecting me. I know that now.
I’m trying to remember his name. He’s famous. He has a terrible drug habit and was recently arrested for having a firearm—or some kind of weapon—and drugs in his car. Tabloids love to exaggerate, so I don’t know exactly what kind of drugs. His name starts with a “C.” I looked through my phone… El DeBarge. That’s him. (I was thinking of the name Charlie Wilson for a second).
El D stood me up, then later asked to come to my Airbnb at midnight to work on music. Because of my weed addiction at the time, I chose to smoke instead of meeting him. I sometimes wonder where I’d be if I had let him come over. Would he have helped me? Would he have crossed a line? I’ll never know. We ended on bad terms. I was furious that I spent $150 on Uber fees just to wait for him for three hours. Ridiculous, honestly.
God, I may have a bad memory, but the saying is true: you might not remember someone’s name or face, but you always remember how they made you feel. He made me feel bad. And I’ll never forget what he said: “Not everybody wants you.”
That turned out to be true today. I was hoping things would remain respectful—and they did—because this producer has a wife and five kids. Not everybody wants me! Yay. Thanks, El D, for the reminder.
Now I’m in my favorite place: bed. I ate a few bites of salad. I’ve been doing really well with my weight since I quit smoking. I hope I’ve quit for good. For a moment today, I wanted to smoke inside the studio—but that never would’ve happened with Troy. You can tell he doesn’t smoke. His lips are too pink, and his house smells too clean.
I called the people who love me most back home—my parents and my nephew. They were so happy for me. Then I called another friend, Carmine. I have a really good feeling about him. I like him in a brotherly way, and I hope he stays in my life forever.
I tried calling JurnyV, but he didn’t answer. That’s okay. I know his wife doesn’t like me—but to be fair, she only ever saw the high version of me. That wasn’t my best self. JurnyV even told me she was trying to get him to stop working with me. And honestly, we haven’t worked together since—not because of that, but because I haven’t been making music consistently.
God, please help me get back on track with releasing music. I want to release music so badly, but I never seem to have time. Even today, I meant to study for my test… and still, no time.
I just want to pass flight training school, start dance classes, return to vocal lessons, and work on myself until I feel truly confident.
I haven’t worked out in forever. Like, forever forever. No time. I need to do something about my waistline. I know I need to work out—it’s just hard when time feels nonexistent. I have a feeling my body is going to be sick when I go to Miami. When I’m there, all I want to do is work out, eat healthy, take my vitamins, sleep at a decent hour, and study every day so I can pass my exams.
Shervy and I are doing great. I love my time here. I know it’s because I’m not smoking. He likes me better when I don’t smoke. I like me better when I don’t smoke. So why is it so hard to stop? I’m not smoking now, but I think about it constantly. I even smell it sometimes. Please help take this addiction away from me.
Kalani is taking a break from weed. I wonder if he’s still sober. I don’t know how he feels about me, but I really love him. I hope he stays in my life and continues helping me with my career. He knows my true age, my past—everything. He’s the brother I’ve always wanted. Still, it hurt when he dropped me so suddenly to go on tour to work with another artist. But I know he had to feed his family by going on tour. Anyone would’ve done the same.
Now it’s time for me to study. I have so much to do. God, please give me the strength I need. Please make everything fall into the right place. Guide me.
Amen and amen.
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